The Blahs

Our 12 hour clinical lab yesterday was canceled. We'll make it up later. I ended up drinking the entire day instead. I should have studied for my final on Wednesday, and I tried, but I found myself staring at the same page for like two hours. So, I closed the book and popped open a bottle of wine. I immediately felt much better! Ha ha. Still feeling slightly drunk and hungover today, though. I need to dry out.

My sister forced me to make a new online profile on a different dating site. It's a cool site because it's free, but on this new one I can't see how much they make, ha ha ha! It's probably better that I can't. It will save me from myself! I can be so shallow... but c'mon, who wants a scrub? I got a few responses I liked, specifically this sexy Italian businessman/ photographer guy. We have the same politics and religious outlook, so that's also a plus. But the mere thought of going out on dates again overwhelmed me, so I shut down my account after like twelve hours. I told my sister we'll focus on finding her a boyfriend next, and then after she does, I'll try again. It's her turn! Besides, I need at least a month to lick my wounds and mope about. One year = one month of mourning ; )

I really should try to study today. I'm meeting my ex tomorrow night (he's still letting me wash my laundry at his house), and then we'll watch Bill Maher (something he didn't care to watch when we were together, although now he swears he's always liked him). And then I have sewing class on Tuesday. And Wednesday is the final. So today's kinda my last day to study. Focus!

The Break Up Artist

It's sad when a good day constitutes the absence of diarrhea, but that is my life now. It was a good day at school. I did not have to deal with diarrhea. Plenty of poop and urine, but no seas of diarrhea. So I was pretty happy about that. One old lady pooped twice in the shower, but it still had its form and it was easy to pick up (with gloves and several paper towels mind you). As soon as I turned the hot water on, boom! And then again, as soon as she'd finished cleaning herself entirely- boom! So then she washed her backside again after pooping, and I said, "Okay, here ya go"- extending the plastic bag to put the dirty washcloth in, but on a whim she decided to wash herself all over again. She took that brown rag- soiled with poop stains, and began to wash her face again. I wanted to throw up, but got the rag quickly from her and concluded the shower. I don't know if she was just a little senile or she just didn't realize the washcloth was smeared with feces. I felt bad, wishing I'd realized what she was about to do so that I could have prevented it, but it really surprised me. I wasn't expecting that!

In other news, my boyfriend and I broke up on Monday. Then we went out for a friendly dinner on Friday and have plans to hang out again on Monday- as friends. I have to say that I am a really great breaker-upper. It's one of my few skills. My sister overheard my end of the conversation and she now calls me The Break Up Artist. And she is right. If I ever break up with you, you will feel better about yourself than you did when we were together. In fact, you might even feel better about yourself than you ever have in your entire life! I will give a list of reasons why you're awesome, and why I'll miss you, and then I get to the nitty-gritty without getting too personal or pointing any fingers. There will be no grey. You will know definitively that it is over. And you'll be okay with it. I'm like the relationship version of George Clooney's character in "Up in the Air".

To my delight, he was a really great breaker-upper, too, and it was very mutual. The love was lost long, long ago... many, many months ago. He's been getting on my last nerve ever since then. And yet after we talked, I cried all night, and for a good part of the next morning, but then after I got it out of my system, I was really happy, and very relieved. We really are two very different people. Two very incompatible people. And the funny thing is after we broke up, I noticed at dinner that I liked and appreciated him a lot more. His bad jokes didn't get on my nerves as much, and his groupthink values didn't get my goat. So I think we'll make really awesome friends, hanging out and what not.

In a nutshell, he didn't want to be with me because he wants a girl he can go to church with. And I want someone I can watch Bill Maher with, or at least question the world with. So, back to the drawing board!

Men are like buses... miss one, next one coming...

Get off my lawn!

Did my taxes on Sunday. What girl owes the IRS nearly 5k? Yeah, you guessed it. Shite, man! I knew I shouldn't have played around with the exemptions, but I was so desperate for money last year that I did it. And now I must pay.

Didn't have clinicals on Saturday, so spent weekend at my boyfriend's. Everything is great except I absolutely hate 70% of the music he loves. It really drives me crazy. I try to be polite about it, but I finally broke down and told him to stop subjecting me to his crappy music after he tried to make me listen to Rihanna's "Rude Boy" two times in a row. I hate that song. He was a little shocked. I think I'm the only black woman I know who can't stand R&B. The lyrics are always just so disgusting and usually very misogynist (sp?). The weird thing is that I love rap music, which is like ten times worse. But I guess the difference is that rap music is supposed to be raw and shocking, so the form matches the function. But there's a contradiction in modern R&B, where the content doesn't match its pretense. Rap is supposed to offend, whereas most modern R&B songs set up this sweet little melody and sexy little vibe and yet the men say the most sexist, f-ed up things that are supposed to turn me on, but it makes me want to just punch somebody. Who do they think they're fooling? Not me. It just seems so unartistic because it's an unconscious discrepancy. And the women's lyrics are all about catering to men, and saying things entirely for their benefit, and not for her own.

And I can't believe that people let their little kids listen to this stuff (my BF included). Rihanna sang "Rude Boy" at the Nickelodeon KIDS Choice Awards, wherein she sings "Can you get it up? Are you big enough? Take it. Put it in me." etcetera. Gaw!

/End crazy old man rant. Get off my lawn!

My First Day

So I had my first actual day of clinicals yesterday. After the stories I heard, it wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be. But it WAS more disgusting.

Example of one of the stories I heard:

One Nurse's Assistant (not a student, an actual worker) showed up to work wearing a scrubs top, but these tights-as-leggings bottoms instead of scrub pants. You could totally see her turquoise blue thong underneath them. In case you're slow, this is NOT acceptable clothing for this setting. When it was time to shave the men, she would tell them in her little Betty Boop voice, "Okay, daddy, I'm going to shave you now." And then she proceeded to KISS them on the cheek, climb INTO the bed with them and shave them. And then she kept cutting this one old man as she was shaving him (he probably didn't notice or care with his wood and all), and she giggled, "Omigod, I am just nicking the fuck out of you!" And then she would ask the old men if she should be a porn star and she'd do all these porno poses for them. WTF?!?!

I didn't see her on Saturday. I heard like five girls from the Friday class tell me these stories about her. I was hoping she would be there so I could see her, but I think she may have been fired. There's a new no-nonsense charge nurse at the facility who has been getting rid of the riff-raff. I imagine she was one of the first to go. She'll probably land on her feet- or at least on her back... heading to a porn movie near you!

My Actual Experience:

I shadowed another Nurse's Assistant (CNA) who was really nice and professional. Omigod, I haven't done such back-breaking work since I worked on a farm in high school, and I was only shadowing this weekend!

My first patient was a nice old woman who had been given a laxative for her constipation. Let's say it worked a little too well. As soon as we walked into the room, the funk hit us. Hard. I thought I was going to throw up. There was a wide river of partially-dried vomit running from her mouth all the way down to a few inches beneath her armpit. A few inches beneath that began the top part of her OCEAN of diarrhea that extended out and all the way down to her knees. It was the biggest brown puddle I've ever seen in my life. I really think the evening crew pretended not to see it, and left it for us. Because there's no way that could have been from one bowel movement. It looked like a few had been saved up.

We finally got her cleaned up, and were about to put on a fresh diaper when she did it again! Diarrhea everywhere. So then we finally cleaned her up again and were about to put on a fresh diaper when she did it yet again! I had to clean that woman up three times! Luckily the CNA had to do the most dirty work, and I just helped turn her and fetch clean water and what not. I can't imagine doing that by myself.

One woman didn't want to get up out of bed. We tried to wake her up, but she didn't move or open her eyes. I thought she was comatose or something, and then the CNA said, "I have a cigarette for you." And that old lady jumped right out of bed looking like a young spring chicken. She really hopped to it. It was hilarious.

We were taking another nice old lady to the shower when she peed on the floor and left a trail of poop, like Hansel and Gretel. I guess she wanted to be able to find her way back to her room. I didn't even notice she was doing it until my CNA was like "Don't step there!" And I looked down and my foot was a few inches above a big brown grenade.

Housekeeping was this guy with a chip on his shoulder. He refused to pick up the poop. He said it was beneath him because in China he had a Master's Degree, and here his children were doctors and lawyers and his house and car were paid off. That he only took this job because he loved the patients but the work was all beneath him. So my CNA picked it up (with a gloved hand and paper towel), and he mopped it up. I would have felt sorry for him if he didn't have such a big head about it.

Anyway, you get the picture. My first day was such a daze. I really think I was in shock. I wasn't expecting this degree of incontinence. Most of the people there are able to take care of themselves- cleaning and using the bathroom, but that 10% who can't really leave you with quite a load- literally and figuratively.

Not An April Fool's Post

My last post on Vegas was kind of lame, so I'll say a few more things about last week today. I was going to save it for this weekend, but on Saturday I'll have my first clinical in a real setting, and I'll probably have a lot to say about that.

So I've kind of realized that as much as my classmates are characters to me, they probably see me as a bit of a character, too. My teacher was asking me about my family get-togethers and what kind of food we made. Do we have a big fish-fry? Does someone make a big feast? Etcetera. And I was like, "No, no one really likes to cook in our family. We order in and go to a lot of restaurants." For some reason, this had the class laughing so hard. They were like, "She's so crazy!" But I really wasn't trying to be funny. My classmates are used to cooking up big feasts every time their families get together. My family used to do that, too, but then we'd all argue over who had to clean up the piles of dishes, and it always ended up being the women, so we kinda said fuck it and refused to cook anymore. We're not down with the sexism, and the men definitely aren't going to do it. So no one does it now. That was years ago and it's stayed that way ever since. It's actually made our gatherings a lot more fun. No one has to play martyr in the kitchen, and there's no more cause of tension and bitterness.

Also at lunch, this girl told this story about her last family reunion, and she said there was this real bougie woman who showed up with her kids in fancy little rompers and a nice car, and her cousin told this "uppity" woman that he was going to fuck the bougie right out of her. And she got all offended and left. She thought it was just the funniest story in the world, like ha ha, he showed her. Only a few other girls laughed with her, though. Most everyone else was kinda silent. I was just hoping that he didn't say that to a family member, because that ups the WTF factor.

On Wednesdays I eat my lunch in my car, because Wednesday is the day we turn in a big stack of homework after lunch, and so that's also the day everyone is super friendly to me, hoping they can copy all of mine. I'm the only one who seems to turn it in every week. I get several girls waving their blank papers at me, but I only give them like a few answers, not the whole bit, because why is their time more valuable than mine? If I had to spend hours in misery, why shouldn't they? Yeah, I'm such a square. And if homegirl's cousin ever offers to fuck the square right out of me, I will sock him square in his jaw.