SBW Makes a Farce of Marriage

So, as you know, I signed up for a dating site. When I feel like a guy isn't the right match for me, I like to take the time and explain why. I reason that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would want to know why I was being rejected. But the thing is that if they even bothered to read my very succinct profile, they would already know why we weren't a fit. My sister tells me I should stop responding and just let them figure it out. No answer is your answer. And after a tedious week of defending my life choices to annoyed and sometimes insulting men, I think that she's right. So, fellas, if you ever wonder why you never get a response either way from a gal, it's because doing the nice and courteous thing is just asking to get verbally spit on. And who wants to sign up for that?

HIM:

"Hey there,

I just got back from a 4 month trip to Central America and caught sight of your profile...let me know if you are interested.

Zev"

* ME: "Hey Zev, You're obviously very attractive, but I'm looking for someone who doesn't want kids. Best wishes, SBW" * HIM: "Why, do you want to get married anytime soon...otherwise lets just meet and have fun...go with the flow...don't put pressure on anyone." * ME: "It would be nice to date someone with whom there is at least the potential of something long-term and permanent. I just don't see the benefit of doing the casual thing. One of two things happen: 1. It's casual and we have a lot of fun and eventually move on and are both okay with it, but I waste time- I've heard that the older I get, the harder it will be to find men (oh so fickle about age!), or 2. Someone gets hurt. Best wishes." * HIM: "It doesnt sound like you are serious...you just want to fool around and not got married and then not have kids...are you unable to? why would you want to get married and not have kids?" * ME: "Not sure what you're talking about. I never said I wanted to just fool around (I said the opposite and explained why a casual relationship is no good) and I never said I had to get married. I said I would like something long-term and permanent (for example, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have a great set-up). If you think the only reason to be with someone is only either sex or procreation, I am sad for you. While those things are nice (or at least the first one is nice), there is something to be said for companionship, emotional bonding and growing old together. I said I didn't want anything casual. In hindsight, I realize that I shouldn't have responded at all. I was merely trying to be polite by explaining my reasons, but we're obviously on different wavelengths. This will be my last response. Best wishes. p.s. And no, I'm not unable to have kids. I am able and unwilling. Not every woman wants to sign up for that hell." * Editor's Note: Perhaps the P.S. was going too far. I didn't need to call it "hell." I should have recognized that it might be an incendiary word to use. But I was getting annoyed that he kept asking questions when he wasn't listening to the answer. * HIM: "that hell...you should be ashamed...if it weren't for procreation you wouldn't be alive...what a farce you have made of marriage... * That's the end of our correspondence. I was too *ashamed* to respond. Ladies, if you don't contribute to the world's overpopulation problem, you should be ashamed! Your womb doesn't belong to you, so how dare you have the audacity to try and plan your life. Better leave such decisions to the mens. Who wouldn't want to have kids, when there are dumb asses like Zev populating the earth to keep your future progeny company? And yeah, I used his real first name. He's such a b*tch punk @ss, anyone who knows a Zev should know that if he lives in Los Angeles and is really cute, there is a chance that he's the one I'm writing about here and is dumber than a bag of rocks. Where did I say that I wanted to get married? I NEVER said that. In fact, I said that I never said that, and yet he continues to believe I said it. What is he smoking? Anyway, I think he was just pissed because he wanted to "toot it and boot it" as the kids say these days, and I wasn't down for a casual hook-up. Anyway, after this week I will no longer feel guilt if I don't respond. He wasn't the only one who argued with me, but he was the only one who was so dense about it. I removed myself one of the sites and will remove myself from the other one as soon as I technically can (long story)- hopefully by Monday. Need a reprieve from the crazies.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

SUBBING POST

First day of subbing yesterday. Grade school.

One kid was crazy difficult all day. I told his mom/ grandma about his behavior when she came to pick him up at the end of the day. This was our conversation:

GRANDMA: So how did Andy do today?

ME: Well, he squeezed his antibacterial hand gel all over his papers and his classmates' papers, so I confiscated it from him and put him in time out. And then later I had to put him in the corner again for poking his classmates with his pencil. And then at the end of recess, he refused to come back to class, so the librarian had to physically drag him back to class. He refused to do his work and wandered around as he pleased. He is very difficult to manage.

GRANDMA (shrugging nonchalantly): Well, I guess he doesn't like school. Thanks, take care.

ME: Oh. I SEE.

You Get What You Pay For AKA "blocking you bitch"

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Catch up

Sorry for the silence. I've been very tired and uninspired. I haven't written because I knew I would only be bitching, and that's no fun. But a friend asked me to write anyway, so here I go. You've been warned. A few things before I dash off for work:

1. I did pass the CNA state boards. As soon as I get my card in the mail, I'll start applying. Also, I think I need my CPR card. I had one, gave it to my instructor and she lost it. So I might have to take the class again. I know I can re-order it, but I don't know the name of the woman who taught the one-day class. Everything was done in such a disorganized, janky way.

2. I started a temping job up in LA last week. For the month of July. This means I commute 3 hours a day (1.5 each way)- work traffic is no joke. I'm at the office ten hours a day. I feel like my head is going to explode. Mostly from boredom, even though it's a pretty intense production/ development office. A lot of stuff going on there. I try to remember that I'm very lucky to be there. A lot of people would kill to be in that office, even if only for the summer.

3. The homeowner flew back yesterday and will swing by to look at the house either today or tomorrow. I spent my 4th of July weekend painting the backyard fence in preparation for him. Exhausting work.

4. I'm really hooked on this Rascal Flatt's song, "Fast Cars and Freedom." Not a huge country fan, but there are a lot of great songs in the genre.

Gotta run. I'm behind schedule. Have a great week!

New Age Man

I'm back on the dating circuit. I'm dating online. This time, though, isn't as entertaining. I'm getting as many emails and winks as before (which is nice because I'm keeping it real this time instead of being who I think men want me to be), but I'm staying true to my vision, so won't be dating as much (less leniency now). I'm also not dating as old as I was. Ten year age gap max. And I'm also dating men much younger than myself, upon my sister's urging. (Although she didn't have to urge too hard- Young (yes, waaay legal) men are always so sweet, gorgeous and eager!). They're very charming. Anyway, I digress.

I think that last time I just wanted to find a boyfriend, so I wasn't as particular about who I dated and I bent a lot of rules and made concessions that I knew would bite me in the ass later. And it did. And today I realized, that was the problem... I shouldn't look for just a boyfriend, I should look for a husband! This is a nearly impossible task because I know I don't want kids. And although guys are always joking about a woman's biological clock, I've noticed that a lot of (most) men have the same biological urge to plant their seed. It's nearly impossible to find someone who definitely does not want kids. The not-sures and the on-the-fences will want them. After they're financially secure. Trust. So I won't mess with those wishy-washy folks either.

So, you may ask, why get married if you don't want kids? I don't know, I guess the companionship sounds nice. And the health insurance (you think I'm kidding). And just sharing your life with someone else. My ex-boyfriend and I talked about marriage a few times (in a general sense), and he really sold me on it. I was against it before we met, but he made it sound like a lot more fun than I'd previously imagined. He was quite the salesman. So I'm a convert and now on the marriage track. So no more dating conservatives and men who want kids and men who are the wrong sign (you think I'm kidding).

I've found a lot of great guys who would be great partners, but they all want kids. I should send them over to a few of my baby-crazy friends who have trouble finding a man who wants to start a family. They're convinced they don't exist, but that's really all I see. I think I have a maternal (i.e. dowdy and boring) quality about me that brings them out of the woodwork. But the last thing I want to be is anyone's mother.

Anyway, I sat down here to share one of the guys who winked at me. He is hilarious. Very crazy yoga new-agey man. This is the picture that went with his profile; I think it might actually be him twirling around in a skirt with his pot belly peeping out. Check him out:

About my life and what I'm looking for

I want to fall in love with the agony of love, not the ecstasy. Fot this is the time the beloved will fall in love with me. if you are ready for the true journey of love here I am awaiting your arrival. There are only four questions of value in life. What is sacred? What is spirit? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to all four questions is the same. Only love

for fun:

I love to go to yoga with my partner to be. It is a great way of connecting to one another.

my job:

I want to fall in love with the agony of love, not the ecstasy. For this is the time the beloved will fall in love with me. if you are ready for the true journey of love here I am awaiting your arrival.

my ethnicity:

Will discuss more when the time allows

my religion:

will discuss more later

favorite hot spots:

Europe, latin america. But I live here so here I am.

favorite things:

I am vegi eater only once year eat other meat products. As u can tell I have almost travelled everywhere except Australia area. Someday. Just came back from Caracas. Very interesting.

Vegas

I really shouldn't have gone (owe my bro money, and I also need to pay for color correction and legal help for the movie, but I really hardly spent anything- maybe $100 for the whole weekend), but I went to Vegas over Memorial Day weekend and I'm really glad I did! It was just the rest and fun I needed to recharge my batteries. My old high school pal had a room there and generously said I could join her gratis, so I hitched a ride with a friend of mine who lives here in LA and we went and the three of us partied it up together. The first night out we were out until 7 in the morning! Red bulls & vodka will do that to you. At that point we weren't even tired anymore, but figured we should force ourselves to sleep. Anyway, it was a lot of fun : ) I feel like I have more perspective on things and got some of the angst out of my system.

Anyway, I have a mid-term today for my Home Health Aide class, so I should jet.

If you don't have anything good to say...

Why can't I let these boots go? I keep putting them in the Goodwill pile because I never have the nerve to wear them out. They're so hooker-y! But I love them, ha ha.

Watching a lot of Sex And The City... it motivates me to get back out there in the dating world. I told my sister last month that I would start dating again after she found a boyfriend, and it looks like she may have found someone already! Yikes... I didn't think she'd get one so quickly! Not because she's unlovable or anything, but because she's picky. The woman knows what she wants! Well, they've only been on one date, so I don't have to sweat anything yet... but we'll see. She's pretty confident that it's a done deal, so it probably is.

Another clinical down... only two more to go. And then it's back to regular lecture and lab. Today we worked in partners, so the bed baths weren't as bad as usual. It was the first time I bathed a man, though. I was so nervous about it, I don't know why. It's not like I've never seen a penis before. I've just never washed one, I guess. Not before today. Piece of cake. Actually easier than bathing the women. I guess I was nervous because some of my classmates had their patients get a hard-on while they were bathing them, and I didn't want to deal with that. But my patient didn't do that- should I be offended? Ha ha, just kidding! But one girl told me a guy jacked off in front of her, in the middle of his shower, so she just left the room and came back in when he was done. Our patient was a total gentleman, though, and was totally used to the drill, so it wasn't any big deal at all.

Still hanging out with the ex every Monday night, watching Bill Maher and doing my laundry at his house. Next week would be our one-year anniversary, so it might be weird if we hang out. Or not!

Well, I didn't think I had anything to say, but I logged in anyway and ended up saying a lot. Guess that's what happens when you're a chatty cathy blabber mouth.

Movie, Class Monotony

Picked up my stuff from the editor last week. So she's officially off the picture. Posted an ad up on Craigslist for a new editor, and of course it was red-flagged within like ten minutes. Happens to me every time. Even though I explain I'm a starving artist paying out of pocket, some paranoid artist always gets freaked out thinking I'm some corporation out to screw them over or something. And I understand that. But c'mon. Before it got tore down, one dude responded, so we'll see how that goes. When that happens I'm always suspicious that the one person who got through before it was taken down, red-flagged it after replying himself to ensure he'd get the job. If that's the case, works for me. It at least shows he's hungry! I don't care as long as the job gets done.

There was more drama when the guy who cleaned up the movie's sound couldn't find the files for the movie. He'd sent the link to our old editor like six months ago and she never downloaded them or responded to my inquiries (and the links are now expired), and so he went on with his life, thinking he could erase the project. But no, it turns out we still needed them! Long story short, he was able to unearth them after looking for a few days. But it was total panic attack time last week.

Gave ex-boyfriend's son the painting he requested for his birthday. They both really liked it. Far from Picasso, but I think I get a smidge better with each one. Making one for my brother's birthday now, too. Very, very time consuming. But I owe him a lot, so it's worth it. Hope it doesn't suck! If it does, he can give it to his kids to paint over and play with. Whatever.

Class still dragging on. One girl (the one who demanded a ride of me) showed up to class drunk off her ass. I don't think the teacher noticed, but everyone sitting near her could smell the liquor. And she was acting kind of dopey. If I didn't drive to class I'd be tempted to do the same thing. She does like ten minutes of lecture and then the rest of the four + hours, the teacher just talks about her life and where she finds great sales and stuff. I prepare better for class when I substitute teach, and she's been teaching this same class for over ten years, so I don't know what her excuse is. You could be high as a kite and not miss much. Luckily I read the book so hopefully I should be able to pass the state boards either way. Knock on wood.

Well, if you can't tell, I could use some shut eye! G'night.

Finals

I focused on my studies last week and felt pretty prepared for my final on Wednesday. I'm not sure how I did, but I feel okay about it. We had a separate final for our clinical portion on Saturday (yesterday), and I got a 98% on it. The question I missed was a little shady, and I was going to contest it, but whatever, a 98 is still pretty good. This week the second half of the semester begins (the Home Health Aide portion).

I hate being in school while I'm in it, but when I wrap up a class, semester or school year, I'm so happy that I did it. It makes me feel like I was really productive that year. I don't say, where did my year go? Because I know that it went to a specific thing, so then it's okay.

I'm finally getting around to reading the last book in the Twilight series. It's pretty thick. I'm not as emotionally invested in it for some reason, though. I'm just reading it because I like to finish things I've started.

Speaking of finishing things you start, my editor dropped out on me. Totally understandable; it's been a few years now that she's worked on this. But it's frustrating because we're so close to the end. Like it was going to be done this June, and all she would have to do is hitch up the completed audio (done by somebody else) to the already-completed picture. We didn't have a falling out. She's just burned out and busy. So, whatever. I can't expect anything more than that when I'm not paying anyone. I appreciate the work she did do. I'm kind of scared to hand off everything to a stranger, so I think I'll try to bribe her to stick it out a little longer.

Filmmaking is a very lonely business. Not one person who started with me will cross the finish line with me, having stayed throughout the whole thing. I kind of want to recruit my crazy CNA friends to go into making movies with me, though... they're some real 'ride or die' chicks. The kind that would stay with you 'til the end. I was thinking about broaching it to a few on Friday, but then one of the girls surprised us all mid-story by re-enacting choking out her boyfriend on me and it got a little scary because I couldn't breathe. But honestly, after the shock wore off and I was able to catch my breath, it was just the funniest thing in the world! Maybe you had to be there. But it did make me wonder if it was a good idea to go into business with somebody who could choke somebody if she got mad enough. (I changed my mind about it being funny. See comments below).

My car broke down on me on Saturday after I finished my clinical. I dropped it off at my mechanic's shop. I was going to walk home the ten miles, or try to find a bus somewhere (he just moved to a remote, industrial area), but he insisted I take (one of?) his car (just a loan 'til he finishes fixing mine)! He's just the sweetest man in the world. He's offered it several times before (my car breaks down a lot... so much that I think people think I'm using it as an excuse, but I'm not), and I usually say no, but I was just too tired and defeated to say no this time. So I very gratefully took his sweet little Volvo home. I had a birthday party to go to that night, but was scared to let anything happen to his car, so I just stayed home. I plan to stay home today, too, except to pick up the material from my editor.

Which reminds me... I should probably start looking for a new editor now...

The Blahs

Our 12 hour clinical lab yesterday was canceled. We'll make it up later. I ended up drinking the entire day instead. I should have studied for my final on Wednesday, and I tried, but I found myself staring at the same page for like two hours. So, I closed the book and popped open a bottle of wine. I immediately felt much better! Ha ha. Still feeling slightly drunk and hungover today, though. I need to dry out.

My sister forced me to make a new online profile on a different dating site. It's a cool site because it's free, but on this new one I can't see how much they make, ha ha ha! It's probably better that I can't. It will save me from myself! I can be so shallow... but c'mon, who wants a scrub? I got a few responses I liked, specifically this sexy Italian businessman/ photographer guy. We have the same politics and religious outlook, so that's also a plus. But the mere thought of going out on dates again overwhelmed me, so I shut down my account after like twelve hours. I told my sister we'll focus on finding her a boyfriend next, and then after she does, I'll try again. It's her turn! Besides, I need at least a month to lick my wounds and mope about. One year = one month of mourning ; )

I really should try to study today. I'm meeting my ex tomorrow night (he's still letting me wash my laundry at his house), and then we'll watch Bill Maher (something he didn't care to watch when we were together, although now he swears he's always liked him). And then I have sewing class on Tuesday. And Wednesday is the final. So today's kinda my last day to study. Focus!

The Break Up Artist

It's sad when a good day constitutes the absence of diarrhea, but that is my life now. It was a good day at school. I did not have to deal with diarrhea. Plenty of poop and urine, but no seas of diarrhea. So I was pretty happy about that. One old lady pooped twice in the shower, but it still had its form and it was easy to pick up (with gloves and several paper towels mind you). As soon as I turned the hot water on, boom! And then again, as soon as she'd finished cleaning herself entirely- boom! So then she washed her backside again after pooping, and I said, "Okay, here ya go"- extending the plastic bag to put the dirty washcloth in, but on a whim she decided to wash herself all over again. She took that brown rag- soiled with poop stains, and began to wash her face again. I wanted to throw up, but got the rag quickly from her and concluded the shower. I don't know if she was just a little senile or she just didn't realize the washcloth was smeared with feces. I felt bad, wishing I'd realized what she was about to do so that I could have prevented it, but it really surprised me. I wasn't expecting that!

In other news, my boyfriend and I broke up on Monday. Then we went out for a friendly dinner on Friday and have plans to hang out again on Monday- as friends. I have to say that I am a really great breaker-upper. It's one of my few skills. My sister overheard my end of the conversation and she now calls me The Break Up Artist. And she is right. If I ever break up with you, you will feel better about yourself than you did when we were together. In fact, you might even feel better about yourself than you ever have in your entire life! I will give a list of reasons why you're awesome, and why I'll miss you, and then I get to the nitty-gritty without getting too personal or pointing any fingers. There will be no grey. You will know definitively that it is over. And you'll be okay with it. I'm like the relationship version of George Clooney's character in "Up in the Air".

To my delight, he was a really great breaker-upper, too, and it was very mutual. The love was lost long, long ago... many, many months ago. He's been getting on my last nerve ever since then. And yet after we talked, I cried all night, and for a good part of the next morning, but then after I got it out of my system, I was really happy, and very relieved. We really are two very different people. Two very incompatible people. And the funny thing is after we broke up, I noticed at dinner that I liked and appreciated him a lot more. His bad jokes didn't get on my nerves as much, and his groupthink values didn't get my goat. So I think we'll make really awesome friends, hanging out and what not.

In a nutshell, he didn't want to be with me because he wants a girl he can go to church with. And I want someone I can watch Bill Maher with, or at least question the world with. So, back to the drawing board!

Men are like buses... miss one, next one coming...

Get off my lawn!

Did my taxes on Sunday. What girl owes the IRS nearly 5k? Yeah, you guessed it. Shite, man! I knew I shouldn't have played around with the exemptions, but I was so desperate for money last year that I did it. And now I must pay.

Didn't have clinicals on Saturday, so spent weekend at my boyfriend's. Everything is great except I absolutely hate 70% of the music he loves. It really drives me crazy. I try to be polite about it, but I finally broke down and told him to stop subjecting me to his crappy music after he tried to make me listen to Rihanna's "Rude Boy" two times in a row. I hate that song. He was a little shocked. I think I'm the only black woman I know who can't stand R&B. The lyrics are always just so disgusting and usually very misogynist (sp?). The weird thing is that I love rap music, which is like ten times worse. But I guess the difference is that rap music is supposed to be raw and shocking, so the form matches the function. But there's a contradiction in modern R&B, where the content doesn't match its pretense. Rap is supposed to offend, whereas most modern R&B songs set up this sweet little melody and sexy little vibe and yet the men say the most sexist, f-ed up things that are supposed to turn me on, but it makes me want to just punch somebody. Who do they think they're fooling? Not me. It just seems so unartistic because it's an unconscious discrepancy. And the women's lyrics are all about catering to men, and saying things entirely for their benefit, and not for her own.

And I can't believe that people let their little kids listen to this stuff (my BF included). Rihanna sang "Rude Boy" at the Nickelodeon KIDS Choice Awards, wherein she sings "Can you get it up? Are you big enough? Take it. Put it in me." etcetera. Gaw!

/End crazy old man rant. Get off my lawn!

My First Day

So I had my first actual day of clinicals yesterday. After the stories I heard, it wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be. But it WAS more disgusting.

Example of one of the stories I heard:

One Nurse's Assistant (not a student, an actual worker) showed up to work wearing a scrubs top, but these tights-as-leggings bottoms instead of scrub pants. You could totally see her turquoise blue thong underneath them. In case you're slow, this is NOT acceptable clothing for this setting. When it was time to shave the men, she would tell them in her little Betty Boop voice, "Okay, daddy, I'm going to shave you now." And then she proceeded to KISS them on the cheek, climb INTO the bed with them and shave them. And then she kept cutting this one old man as she was shaving him (he probably didn't notice or care with his wood and all), and she giggled, "Omigod, I am just nicking the fuck out of you!" And then she would ask the old men if she should be a porn star and she'd do all these porno poses for them. WTF?!?!

I didn't see her on Saturday. I heard like five girls from the Friday class tell me these stories about her. I was hoping she would be there so I could see her, but I think she may have been fired. There's a new no-nonsense charge nurse at the facility who has been getting rid of the riff-raff. I imagine she was one of the first to go. She'll probably land on her feet- or at least on her back... heading to a porn movie near you!

My Actual Experience:

I shadowed another Nurse's Assistant (CNA) who was really nice and professional. Omigod, I haven't done such back-breaking work since I worked on a farm in high school, and I was only shadowing this weekend!

My first patient was a nice old woman who had been given a laxative for her constipation. Let's say it worked a little too well. As soon as we walked into the room, the funk hit us. Hard. I thought I was going to throw up. There was a wide river of partially-dried vomit running from her mouth all the way down to a few inches beneath her armpit. A few inches beneath that began the top part of her OCEAN of diarrhea that extended out and all the way down to her knees. It was the biggest brown puddle I've ever seen in my life. I really think the evening crew pretended not to see it, and left it for us. Because there's no way that could have been from one bowel movement. It looked like a few had been saved up.

We finally got her cleaned up, and were about to put on a fresh diaper when she did it again! Diarrhea everywhere. So then we finally cleaned her up again and were about to put on a fresh diaper when she did it yet again! I had to clean that woman up three times! Luckily the CNA had to do the most dirty work, and I just helped turn her and fetch clean water and what not. I can't imagine doing that by myself.

One woman didn't want to get up out of bed. We tried to wake her up, but she didn't move or open her eyes. I thought she was comatose or something, and then the CNA said, "I have a cigarette for you." And that old lady jumped right out of bed looking like a young spring chicken. She really hopped to it. It was hilarious.

We were taking another nice old lady to the shower when she peed on the floor and left a trail of poop, like Hansel and Gretel. I guess she wanted to be able to find her way back to her room. I didn't even notice she was doing it until my CNA was like "Don't step there!" And I looked down and my foot was a few inches above a big brown grenade.

Housekeeping was this guy with a chip on his shoulder. He refused to pick up the poop. He said it was beneath him because in China he had a Master's Degree, and here his children were doctors and lawyers and his house and car were paid off. That he only took this job because he loved the patients but the work was all beneath him. So my CNA picked it up (with a gloved hand and paper towel), and he mopped it up. I would have felt sorry for him if he didn't have such a big head about it.

Anyway, you get the picture. My first day was such a daze. I really think I was in shock. I wasn't expecting this degree of incontinence. Most of the people there are able to take care of themselves- cleaning and using the bathroom, but that 10% who can't really leave you with quite a load- literally and figuratively.

Not An April Fool's Post

My last post on Vegas was kind of lame, so I'll say a few more things about last week today. I was going to save it for this weekend, but on Saturday I'll have my first clinical in a real setting, and I'll probably have a lot to say about that.

So I've kind of realized that as much as my classmates are characters to me, they probably see me as a bit of a character, too. My teacher was asking me about my family get-togethers and what kind of food we made. Do we have a big fish-fry? Does someone make a big feast? Etcetera. And I was like, "No, no one really likes to cook in our family. We order in and go to a lot of restaurants." For some reason, this had the class laughing so hard. They were like, "She's so crazy!" But I really wasn't trying to be funny. My classmates are used to cooking up big feasts every time their families get together. My family used to do that, too, but then we'd all argue over who had to clean up the piles of dishes, and it always ended up being the women, so we kinda said fuck it and refused to cook anymore. We're not down with the sexism, and the men definitely aren't going to do it. So no one does it now. That was years ago and it's stayed that way ever since. It's actually made our gatherings a lot more fun. No one has to play martyr in the kitchen, and there's no more cause of tension and bitterness.

Also at lunch, this girl told this story about her last family reunion, and she said there was this real bougie woman who showed up with her kids in fancy little rompers and a nice car, and her cousin told this "uppity" woman that he was going to fuck the bougie right out of her. And she got all offended and left. She thought it was just the funniest story in the world, like ha ha, he showed her. Only a few other girls laughed with her, though. Most everyone else was kinda silent. I was just hoping that he didn't say that to a family member, because that ups the WTF factor.

On Wednesdays I eat my lunch in my car, because Wednesday is the day we turn in a big stack of homework after lunch, and so that's also the day everyone is super friendly to me, hoping they can copy all of mine. I'm the only one who seems to turn it in every week. I get several girls waving their blank papers at me, but I only give them like a few answers, not the whole bit, because why is their time more valuable than mine? If I had to spend hours in misery, why shouldn't they? Yeah, I'm such a square. And if homegirl's cousin ever offers to fuck the square right out of me, I will sock him square in his jaw.

Viva Las Vegas!

Just got back from Vegas with my family. Met my brother and two of his kids, my sister and my mom for a few days. We left on Thursday and I just got back like 30 minutes ago.

I had a ton of fun. Finally saw The Lion King, which was awesome! And we went to my other niece's soccer game. She was in the semi-finals of something, which is why they were down there in the first place.

My brother footed the bill for the entire weekend for all of us, which was incredibly generous of him. So you know I got my grub on!

Gotta turn in the car rental and get to class! Hope you all had a nice weekend?!

Memory What?

The pro is still in class. The teacher let her back in, which was nice. But she has no idea that people know how she makes a living. If she did know, I don't think she would do or say the things she does. For example, she's pretty quiet in class unless the teacher mentions motels or venereal diseases and infections and what not, and then she shares her opinion. Like once the teacher was like, "What are some of the symptoms of a urinary tract infection?" And of course, I know that anyone can get an infection, regardless of what kind of activity you got going on down there, but it's still funny... she raised her hand and was like "Ooh ooh! I know! There's like all this yeasty puss and blood and stuff. And you get bumps and it burns so bad when you pee." She named a few other things, and I think only like half the symptoms she named were indeed symptoms of urinary tract infections. The teacher kinda looked at her confused and shocked by the barrage of non-symptoms, and a lot of the other girls tried to stifle their laughter, to no avail.

And then another day at break she was showing everyone all the numerous bruises she had, and a girl asked her how she got them, and she said that she was just real clumsy. Everyone was like, "Yeah, right, that's what they all say." And everyone laughed and she denied that her boyfriend beat her up, but she didn't realize they weren't talking about her boyfriend... they were giving her a hard time because they assumed that her pimp was beating her up.

So, there's another woman in the class. Let's call her Mama Butch. She has this bossy alpha male energy about her. She loves ordering everyone around and telling people what to do, but half the time she's wrong. Her little chickens that she's taken under her wing are the only ones who flunk the teacher's tests because she tells them incorrect information. Anyway, one day I was feeling unmotivated and asked if anyone wanted to be my study partner. She was the only one who took me up on it (which I found odd since I'm the only one who ever turns her homework in on time). Everyone else had somewhere to go.

Anyway, me and Mama Butch studied for about two hours, and when we were done she looked at me and said, "You need to take me to the train station. Thank you." Her presumptuousness shocked me. And a million things went through my head, most of them very unkind, but I bit my tongue. I'll save the lecture and tongue-lashing for another day. I gave her a ride to the station.

I know it sounds like I'm a little punk bitch, but I've just kinda gotten used to that question as a statement thing here. On the first day of school, the girl behind me said, "Paper." And she stuck her palm out, expecting me to give it to her. And then after class, a dude who wasn't in my class and I'd never even seen before walked up to me and said, "Phone." And he stuck his palm out. I made him give me a complete sentence before I handed it over, though. "Excuse me? What about my phone?" "I need it." "Need what?" "Can I borrow your phone?" And then I almost said/prompted a please, but let it pass.

I don't know if this is the way a lot of these younguns communicate these days or if they just peg me for a sucker. I have always obliged, but it's mostly because I'm so tickled by their rudeness. I want to inspect them and glean more information about them, what makes them tick. What in the world could have shaped them to be the rude individuals they are today. They kinda fascinate me. I want to see if they're part retarded or something.

In other news, this program is going SOOO slow. The thought of devoting three more years to this makes me want to cry. But I have the discipline to push myself through it. What I don't have, I fear, is the memory! I don't know if I've drank one too many glasses of wine, but my memory has really gone down the shitter in the last few years. I spent all of last summer studying conversions (from cups to liters, etcetera), and I was looking at a conversion chart again today because I couldn't remember anything from my course, and it all seemed so new to me! And that seems to be a bad thing for a nurse to have- bad memory. I might stop schooling after the CNA program.

My Nursing Classmates

My nursing classmates are a bunch of characters. It's like that show, "Community", but on steroids. Never before in my life have I been in a classroom like this... never have I experienced such a colorful and eclectic cast of characters. Unfortunately, the most colorful ones have already been kicked out of the program. We're at about 2/3 of our original class.

There was/is:

The Immigrant Woman: She has crazy stories about her life when she first came to America. She was forced into this quasi-slave labor camp. She was forced to work 60 hours a week and only paid $75 a week for her sweat. She also called our attention to the La Cucaracha and Pro women (Below).

La Cucaracha Woman: She had numerous cockroaches scuttling out of her bag whenever she put it on the ground. She was kicked out yesterday for repeated tardies, but I think it's because the instructor didn't want to worry about a cockroach infestation. Plus, she was shockingly dim.

The Pro: While leaving her ESL night class, The Immigrant Lady spotted The Pro strutting back and forth on a corner, in front of a closed bank, calling out to prospective customers. We all had wondered what was up with this girl because she has these wild eyes and is always arguing with the teacher.

Plus, she's very pretty, but comes to class in totally crazy outfits: she wears Dominatrix shoes and tight tops with her boobs and stomach pouring out of them, but then she has on these huge, grandma baggy-long culotte jean shorts and big, baggy jackets. Like the shirt and shoes go together, and a separate outfit where the shorts and jacket go together. I think she was probably turning tricks and realized she was about to be late, so threw on the only respectable thing she had left over her work clothes. It's really sad. She has something in her that reminds me of Charlize Theron in "Monster". Just really raw and desperate. She was 30 minutes late for class and so the teacher locked her out (those are the rules). She was banging on the door and yelling at us to let her in. Threatening to go to the dean and everything. She had a total meltdown. Now that I know she's a street walker, I feel really horrible about the whole thing. She's probably just so desperate to start a new life. I hope that she's able to.

There were a few other girls who got kicked out, but the details behind them are vague. All I know is that they didn't pass the fingerprinting background check. We had to do the Livescan fingerprints at the police station and one of them actually got apprehended right then and there because she had a warrant out for her arrest.

Now it's mostly nice, ambitious girls who are left. The crazies and criminals have been weeded out. And like 90% of the class is really, really pretty. It's funny, but I guess it makes sense. Nursing school.

Cutting the Life Raft

Remember Daddy Warbucks? The #2 Bachelor? Well, he's been texting me and emailing me sporadically over the last few months. At first I was friendly back (just in case things didn't work out with my current boyfriend). But then I realized by responding I was being a tease to Warbucks (although I didn't flirt per se- just being very friendly), and being unfair to my BF.

I think when you're in a relationship, you have to be in it 100%. So I stopped returning Warbucks' last few text messages. Which prompted the below email from him. It's kind of cryptic, just like him. I'm not sure if it's himself he's referring to, or if he just has a friend he thinks would be more appropriate for me. I think because he texted me Happy Valentine's Day on the day, it's probably himself he's referring to and he's just teasing me. Well, whatever the case, it's over. I told him that I wasn't being fair to my boyfriend and that we should cut off all communication. I never heard back. Maybe I went too far, but I find him kind of annoying now anyway, so whatever. No regrets here.

His email:

"I went to an Oscar party tonight, and Tom Cruise was there!

I thought of you of course.

I hope you're doing well. If you ever become single again, let me know...I know someone I could fix you up with."

Good-bye, February

I can't think of anything to write, but figured I'd check in anyway because I have diarrhea of the mouth (and fingers), so I'm sure I'll fill up the space somehow! Guess I can give some updates:

The woman at the nursing school who insisted on calling me "Susie" until I gave her attitude now just refers to me by my last name. Seems an amiable compromise, so we're cool. I like her now!

The neighborhood dogs are still roaming. Had a bulldog follow me and my dog the other day.

Saw "Crazy Heart" the other day... it's waaaay slow and exhausting, but Jeff Bridges is amazing in it. I was indifferent towards Bridges until I saw him in "A Door in the Floor" a few years ago, a beautiful and heartbreaking movie (Kim Basinger is also in it), and he blew me away (they both did)... I'm a huge fan of his now. He doesn't disappoint in Crazy Heart.

But now, to the chagrin of my sister, I downloaded one of the (country music) songs he plays in the movie and I'm playing his "Fallin' & Flyin'" song on repeat- FOREVER. You know, the one with the chorus that goes:

"funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’

for a little while"

DOUBLE POSTING

I know I just posted, but I'm so full of angst and rage, that I just had to post again!

My dog and I were quasi-attacked by a German Shepherd today. My sister and I probably have an encounter with a stray or escaped dog about 3 times a month- each. It's so ridiculous. Our neighborhood is just teeming with them. One time I had to hop on top of an SUV with my pooch to escape a mean looking pitbull who wouldn't leave us alone. But usually I can't tell where the dog lives, so I can't do much about it. I call animal control, but they can't help unless I have a specific address or person to point them in the right direction.

But today was different. A German Shephered barreled out of his yard like a bat out of hell, through the open gate and made a beeline for my dog. Luckily our dog wears a harness and so I was able to just yank it up and grab her in just the nick of time, put her on the roof of a car and started yelling at the dog to get back. Then the dog started trotting right up to me, looking like "I could take this bitch out". I wasn't really afraid for myself because I could tell she really only wanted to get to my dog. But I hopped on the car, too, and started screaming. A man came and helped me, and the dog went back to his yard. I called animal control and drove back like an hour later. Sure enough, a woman in a brown uniform was giving the woman a copy of some sort of paperwork and gesturing to the fence. I don't know if it was just a citation or an actual ticket, but the woman looked worried and scared. Good for her. I could care less what that lazy, negligent woman was feeling. I was SO happy to finally be able to do something proactive about this situation. The house was right across the street from an elementary school, so it's good they got on it fast.

This neighborhood better watch out. My sister has Animal Control's number memorized. And I have it on my cell phone. We're ALWAYS calling them. They probably have our numbers memorized by now. I've never ever experienced this level of negligence in my life. This is horrible of me, but I'm guessing it's because I live in a sort of poor area. Not that all poor people are lazy. Some of them are the hardest workers in the world. But a lot of them are lazy. It's either that or the people who live here, who are largely immigrants, come from countries where roaming animals is kind of the norm. Well, they better learn fast and acclimate because I am all up in their shit and I will drop a dime on their negligent asses in a heartbeat. I'm really not trying to see my little chihuahua eaten up by their Pitbulls and German Shepherds and Boxers and what not.

THEN I went to drop off some paperwork to the nurse's office at the school I'm attending this Spring. I gave my stuff to the head of the department/ one of the instructors. She read my paperwork, and said my full name. Let's say it's Susan.

Woman: Susan Smith? You go by Susie?

Me: No, I hate Susie.

Woman: But Susie is the short version of Susan. Why not go by Susie?

Me: Some people call me Sue, but I actually prefer Susan. And I hate Susie.

Woman: Really?

Me: Yeah. There's like five people who call me Susie, and I let them get away with it because they always have. But anyone else, no. I don't like being called Susie. Everyone calls me Susan.

Woman: You don't like Susie, huh? Susie's nice.

Me: No. Susan's fine.

Woman: Guess it's just one of those things you need to learn to love to hate.

Excuse me? Maybe I read her wrong (HOPING SO, but my stomach twisted when she said it and looked at me, so I don't think so), but basically, it sounded like she was going to go on ahead and call me Susie, regardless of my wishes. I wanted to put my boot so far up this bitch's ass. All I could say was, "Oh my God. I don't think so. Thank you. Take care." Then I left.

Today was another reminder that I do NOT do well in the real world. It's full of passive-aggressive bitches and assholes. I'll take slimey, sleazy L.A. to this any day. At least Hollywood types know they're assholes and you can treat them accordingly. I can restrain myself and be polite, but I'll be damned if I'm going to kowtow to their silly demands. If today's interaction is any indication of the rest of this semester, or hospital life in general, shoot me now. I don't think I'll last long.

I think I need to go back to one of my first jobs I had cocktail waitressing in LA. I miss my co-workers. One of them would pour drinks on any guy who gave her shit. And the other one got in a fight with management, told him to fuck off and left without notice with her cash till for the night. She figured he wasn't going to send her a paycheck, and that was about the equivalent of it. That was so cowboy of her. Cowgirl.

Basically I just don't like taking shit from some middle management fuck who doesn't even have the decency to call me by my proper and requested name.

Stuff

I feel like a human pin cushion. I had to get four shots on Friday for the CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) program I'm in. Clinicals will start soon, and they have to ensure that all of the hospital staff and students aren't exposing any viruses to the patients. The shots were intramuscular (inter?), so they're the kinds that hurt. My arms are still sore!

Classes got pushed back to next week because a special grant came up that will help defray the cost of the course. If I were to go to a private college, it would cost 2k. But at a community college, where I'm enrolled, it's 1k. The grant will pay for $800 of that (including uniform, equipment and texts). I'll find out if I get the grant this week. That would be a huge help!

Saw an old friend on Saturday. I ran up to LA to buy some new buttons and swung by her place on my way back. I haven't seen her in like six months even though she's probably my best friend in LA. It was so great to see her! We totally think alike and have the same thought processes and life experiences... it's like she's my long-lost mental twin. LA can be a hard town and it's nice to have a bosom buddy here. I've been second-guessing myself a lot, but hearing her opinion on my experiences really validated a few things I've been feeling.

The rain is back. I have sewing this week (the club meets once a month), and am looking forward to it!

Irrelevant: I think of George Carlin's "Stuff" bit every time I hear the word "stuff," which is kind of a lot. It totally makes me laugh to myself. "My stuff is stuff. Your stuff is crap."

Happy Chinese New Year!

All is well.

Celebrated Valentine's Day with the BF on Saturday. Since it's a three day weekend, we had a kid-free Friday and Saturday, and then he had his son on Sunday and Monday.

It was nice. He loved the gift I gave him. A few months ago, he had a slogan idea for a t-shirt, so I secretly had my friend design a picture/logo thing, and then I had it printed on a t-shirt for him. He has a lot of fun ideas, but he never follows through on them, so I thought he would like it if I did this. He did! He said it was the second best gift he's ever got (my painting being the first one).

He got us deep tissue massages at a nice spa in Beverly Hills. It was very relaxing. I really need to make more money so that I can get regular massages. Of course I can't afford the Beverly Hills treatment. But even if I could find some way to come up for the funds to have it done in some cheap, tacky little nail salon where they charge $15 bucks. I think it really makes a big difference for my health. Acne that had started to rise up on my face was gone. I stress out easily, so this was just amazing.

I think he's losing that loving feeling. I'm not complaining, but I find it interesting that he didn't get me a card or flowers. When we were first dating, he got me three bouquets all within the first month. So I thought it was funny he didn't do that, since that's kind of his thing. I loved the spa, but it was just kinda something he wanted for himself anyway. He'd talked all week about how he needed a massage, as work was very stressful. So I was just kinda tacked onto a plan that he would have done for himself had we not been dating. Again, not complaining, just noticing.

Hmmmm....

My Copper IUD

WARNING: If you don't like reading about birth control or issues women deal with "down there", do not read any further!

I had a copper IUD put in on Tuesday. It's awesome because it will hopefully last twelve years!! If everything goes according to plan, I'll never have to worry about birth control again (for twelve years). I had a friend who did it and it actually came out on its own! This is crazy because they attach it to your uterus. The doctor also told me that they don't recommend the copper IUD for women who've never had children because often our body rejects the IUD and tries to push it out. You can end up with a torn uterus, which is a little scary. But I'm hoping that doesn't happen here. Most times the body will accept it, and there shouldn't be a problem. It sounds like it's the most effective form of birth control there is, outside of abstinence. It's more than 99% effective. I was going to just stick with my old birth control, which is also very effective, but the difference between 1 out of 100 people getting pregnant on it and 8 out of 100 people getting pregnant on it becomes pretty huge if you are one of those eight people.

This is probably too much information, but I'll dish anyway... the procedure was a little painful. Imagine your worst menstrual cramps and double that. They put it in while you're on your period (on my 2nd day). It makes it easier if your cervix is already open I guess. I should have been fine, but I wasn't. Totally in pain... horrible cramping... I spent the rest of the day home with cramps, clutching a hot water bottle thingy. I read online that it makes your period heavier and crampier, and they were right. This may be a monthly occurrence- I may cramp once a month for a few days (when Aunt Flo visits), but that's what Ibuprofen is for, I suppose.

So here I am. After the initial cramping on the first day, I feel great. I'm very happy with my decision, and love that if I don't have any problems, I'll save a lot of time and money by not having to worry about it. Also, I've realized that I don't do well with hormones. The copper IUD doesn't have any hormones in it, and I feel like I'm starting to return to myself. Maybe I'm just making excuses for my past behavior or imagining things, but I never quite felt like myself when I was on birth control hormones. I felt so crazy. I feel super mellow now and just very peaceful. It's just nice to feel like you're in your own skin again. And that's the best part for me. I'm also hoping that I lose the weight that I gained when I was on hormonal birth control (NuvaRing, which is also pretty good and has low doses of hormones, but still more than I'm used to).

I spent the day yesterday with my boyfriend and his son. I worked on my paperwork while they played video games. Apparently his mom has been working with him on his behavior at school and the teacher has stopped calling (for now). I can't believe I was so hard on that kid before. Sure he's a little spoiled, but he's only six, so I should just take it with a grain of salt. At least when he says obnoxious things he's kind of clever about it. Plus, he's actually very sweet to me (as long as I don't seem to soak up too much of his dad's dough), so I should enjoy it while I can, before he becomes a teenager and decides he hates me.

Mellow yellow...

More Rain To Come

I avoided the rug rat this weekend. I left my boyfriend's house first thing in the morning on Saturday to go home, get ready and drive to a meeting I had that afternoon. But then, oddly, later that day I kinda missed them! I'll probably stay a bit longer (if my schedule allows it) next weekend. What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment. It was nice to take a weekend off, though. I think part of my annoyance is that I go and sit through his tennis lessons, which are terribly boring (they're also held in a sort of sketchy park, so I have to endure being hit on by homeless-looking or otherwise just nasty old men while my BF picks up tennis balls and joins in on the coaching session), and a total waste of my Saturday. So I think I'll just skip watching the lessons and use that time to study and do other things I need or want to do. I think if I do this, I won't be as annoyed with the kid.

I'm going to paint the fence around my house, and maybe even the house, too, once the rain stops and we have consistently sunny weather. My boyfriend offered his and his son's services, which I thought was very nice. He said we could have a painting party and have hot dogs (soy dogs for me) and paint all day.

Still working on his son's portrait. Can't get the nose right.

Everyone's probably already seen this, but I love it. The Onion wrote a very fitting tribute to the now deceased author, J.D. Salinger:

(the link: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/bunch_of_phonies_mourn_j_d)

Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger

JANUARY 28, 2010 | ISSUE 46•04

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Salinger

CORNISH, NH—In this big dramatic production that didn't do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. "He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers," said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don't have to look at them for four years. "There will never be another voice like his." Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it's just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.

Rug Rats

My boyfriend took me and his six-year old son out to lunch yesterday. When the bill came, this is the conversation that went down.

BF's Son: "SBW, are you going to pay for our lunch?"

BF: "No son, I'm going to pay."

BF's Son: "Why doesn't she pay? You paid last time. She needs to pay!"

BF: "I invited you both out, so it's my treat."

BF's Son: "No, she should pay. Why don't you pay?"

Me: "Because I'm a broke student. If you want to go to McDonald's, I'll hook you up."

BF's Son: "Okay. I don't like anything on my burgers."

Me: "I know. You like your cheeseburgers plain, with nothing on it."

BF's Son: "Okay, but I still think you should pay. How much is this meal going to cost? Two hundred dollars?"

BF: "No. Like around thirty dollars."

BF's Son: "That still sounds like a lot. She should pay for that."

Me: "Dude, why do you care?"

BF's Son: "Because my dad needs to buy me a new PS2.

Me: "I thought you had one."

BF's Son: "Yeah, but a new one came out for HD."

BF: "You'll get your PS2. I've already put money away for it."

BF's Son: "She should still pay. And she should start driving us around, too."

This may sound like a cute little exchange, but this little rugrat gets on my last nerve. What a fucking spoiled brat. He thinks I'm going to take all his dad's precious money. The idea is so ridiculous, it's laughable. Let me just explain that my BF is very frugal... I could seriously be dating the guy who mows my lawn and probably be getting a lot more help/ spoiling. And that's okay, because I'm not with him for the money. I knew off the bat that ALL his money goes into his VERY spoiled kid, except for meals. And if he weren't dating me, he'd spend it on whomever, because he loves to go out to eat, and likes the company. So it's for him as much as it is for me. In fact, I don't give two shits about going out for dinner or lunch, honestly. In fact, I hate it because I have to spend that much more time at the gym. I wish we didn't go! I have a hard time controlling myself at restaurants and desperately want to lose the weight.

But my point is that the kid is spoiled. His teacher is always calling the house like every day because he doesn't listen and his behavior is just ridiculous. I'd honestly be embarrassed of him if I were his parents. No, strike that- they go to a nice school where all the other kids can keep it together, and his son is the only misbehaving kid and the only black kid, so I would be MORTIFIED. Their lack of shame shocks me. And yet they give him everything, let his bad behavior go unchecked and spend way too much money on him. He doesn't even appreciate it, let alone deserve it. Expects it. Throws a tantrum if he doesn't get it.

And the icing on the cake is that I've spent every free minute and hour this past week working on a painting/portrait of this kid for his birthday. Because he requested it after seeing the painting I made for his dad. He really put me on the spot and surprised me when he asked for it. I thought even asking me for a gift was slightly bad form, and I think his dad put him up to it (gee, I wonder where he gets his rude behavior) because he called me on the phone to do it. And for me to go out and buy the materials that are not cheap- especially on my budget, and for me to spend all my free time working on his gift all week, only to have him give me shit for his dad buying me a measly burrito, it was just too much. I can't stand this kid. I really don't even want to finish the painting. He doesn't deserve it. He already has way too much. More than I do, and more than any kid should. But a promise is a promise.

Yeah, if you can't guess, I'm not big on kids. Maybe now you'll stop asking me why I don't want any. They just get on my last fucking nerve. If this were a Disney movie, I'd be the bitchy step-mother or girlfriend urging the Dad to ship his brats off to military school.

Rainy Day

Not much to say, but just wanted to check in. I should tell you that there is no drama. A few weeks ago I alluded to some drama going down. I shouldn't have done that... I'm such a tease! My imagination sometimes gets the best of me. So please don't even ask what it was about, because I don't want to put that negative, paranoid energy out into the universe. Everything is fine, I think, but only time will tell for sure. Sorry to be cryptic, but in the future I won't hint about anything unless I actually have something to report. I understand it can be really annoying to hear such vagueness. Sorry!

It's raining cats and dogs here. I love the rain.

The BF went out of the country yesterday. His work flew him to a country that is facing a lot of strife and political turmoil. I'm very nervous for him, as his presence requires armed guards and no night travel while there. He's a very cautious man, though, so I think he'll be fine. He's staying at a nice hotel with good security and is taking proper precautions, so there's no need to really worry. He'll be back this Friday.

Watched the first half of Season One's "Flight of the Conchords." I didn't love it when it was on t.v. for some reason, but now I find it really funny.

Got $1 to last me 'til this weekend (when my check comes in). Luckily my tank is half full, so I can at least get around. I borrowed a lot of money from family members last year and have an aggressive repayment schedule to return their loans. It's probably too aggressive, but I'm already half-way to repaying everyone, so that makes it worth it.

RIP, Martin Luther King.