Happy Holidays

On Friday I heard from Daddy Warbucks. For those of you who don't read my blog regularly, after dating a few different guys on match, I narrowed it down to Warbucks and my current boyfriend. This past summer he asked me to go out on a specific weekend, and I said sure, and then he basically told me he'd let me know when he decided if it would be good for him. In response to his diva move, I told him we could just do it another weekend, and then I never heard from him again. I think he thought that if he played hardball, I'd get desperate, come back crawling to him, and then he could have his way. But I never did contact him, and I was surprised to hear from him on Friday. It was a long series of texts. I told him I had a boyfriend and I was very loyal, and then he wrote me, "I'm always here if you ever need me, Santa." And then he sent me a link of his latest television appearance, probably thinking that would change my mind and I'd abandon who I'm with now. I had to laugh. That man is incorrigible. His clip WAS impressive, but it's definitely over. He then asked me to send him a recent photo of myself. So I sent him this photo, and that seemed to end things between us:

In the end, I'm very happy with who I'm with now.

Speaking of, my BF took me to the local Nutcracker on Saturday with his son... or rather, I dragged them there. They were complaining the whole time before, but after watching it, they admitted they really liked it! I liked it, too, but it wasn't the best I've seen. I mean, the costumes and special effects were spectacular and unlike anything I'd ever seen before- fireworks, beautiful lights, smoke and everything to really put on a show. It was a visual wow-fest. But the dancing was mediocre. Nobody danced en sync, which made a lot of the dances look really sloppy. Their form was great, but if you've ever been to a ballet where all of the dancers actually dance perfectly en sync, it's totally shocking and amazing. It's hard to go from that to watching a show where they land or turn five seconds apart, and they're not even meant to stagger.

Anyway, that night his son asked him again if we were going to get married. The first time his son asked a few months ago, I was in a weird frame of mind about the institute of marriage, but the idea is growing on me. I don't know how my BF feels. Either way, it's a long way off, for sure. Even if we both wanted to get married after a month of knowing one another, neither one of us is the type to do that. We're both way too cautious and would feel it necessary to date for at least a year before deciding on something like that.

Went to dinner with an old college friend last night. She's heading out of the country to take a job overseas. It's sad to see her go, as I've known her well for like ten years now and consider her a good friend, but not too sad, as I do feel I'll see her again. Plus, I'm very excited for her. Bon Voyage, Z!

Well, I have so much to do... my flight leaves today, and I have yet to pack, clean the house or figure out what I'm doing with our doggy. My sister's friend was going to dog-sit and she flaked. Panic time! Okay, happy Holidays!

Lost Card/ Sewing Final

I lost my debit card yesterday in Target. Luckily I figured it out before I went through the check-out line, and saved myself the embarrassment. Eh, who needs tampons anyway? I'm pretty sure I dropped my card on the floor in one of the aisles somewhere because it was in my hand, and then my boyfriend called, and then after we hung up, I couldn't find it anywhere. Re-traced steps to no avail. Not in purse. I checked customer service, and no one turned it in. I put a temporary hold on my card yesterday, and I suppose I should call back this morning and cancel my card altogether. It is the holidays, and I'm sure someone hard-up for cash took it, hoping to purchase something before I noticed it missing.

Anyway, I know that hearing about lost cards and wallets is right up there with hearing about someone's dreams, so I'll move on...

I had my sewing final this week. I don't think I did too hot on the written portion, but I took the course as a pass/fail and not graded, so I don't really care. Plus, I got an A on my "t-shirt"... it's not really a t-shirt in the true sense of the word, but technically it's in the same category. It was originally supposed to be for me, but it ended up way too big, so I told my teacher it was meant for my boyfriend so she wouldn't dock me points, and now it will be. I'm glad I didn't go with the pink material. I think he's okay with purple. He'll probably just wear it to bed anyway. It's not perfect.... but Merry Christmas, honey!

My Two Cents on Tiger

You've probably seen the photos of Tiger Woods' (alleged?) mistress, Rachel Uchitel. I say alleged, because some speculate that she wasn't his mistress at all, but his madame! In the photos one usually sees of her, she looks like your typical Vegas vamp:

Anyway, I ran across another picture of her that intrigued me. It was a picture of her taken after 9/11 and she was one of the women searching for a lost loved one, her fiancee. Say what you will about her, but I have a lot of sympathy for her now. She looks so distraught. Imagine having to go through that. Many people did go through it, and were able to get through their loss with dignity and grace. Others chose other paths, like being a madame! Either way, I can't even begin to imagine what that experience might do to you. Sorry, but I think I'm going to give her a pass. Sympathy vote! How can you be mean to this face?:

Actually, to be honest, I kind of give all the women a pass. They were interchangeable. If it wasn't one of them, he would have easily found another woman. It's one thing for a woman to go in and try to steal someone's husband and wreck a home- that's being a home-wrecker, and I don't condone that. But if the man has already decided before he's even met the mistress that he's going to be a philanderer and do it with anything in a skirt, ALL fault lies with him. He decided to wreck the home, and the shame-blame should fall squarely on his shoulders.

Per your request!

Alright, you requested more entries, and you got 'em! You'll probably regret saying that as I barely have enough things to say for a weekly entry! You'll soon discover how boring my life is. I'm really digging to find stuff. Okay, below are the pictures I promised. The white, bottom thing is the extension chord outlet, the orange thing is the converter thing because the end of my space heaters chord has three prongs and my extension chord only takes two-pronged gadgets. So there's a lot going on here. I'm throwing all of them away.

If you look closely, you'll see where the paper was starting to burn, and where I ripped it off (paper is stuck to the orange thing). And also, there is writing/ ink from the papers that melted onto the white extension chord. You'll see the word "which" written backwards, as well as something else I'm not patient enough to figure out.

In the picture below that, you'll see how the carpet that the chords were lying on was starting to burn. The pattern of the carpet is burnt into the side of the chords.

My sister read her space heater box more clearly, and it says not to use extension chords with it! So that was our problem. Moral of the story: read the directions!!

Foiled Again

Not too much going on here... just trying to get ready for the holidays. My brother bought me and my sister plane tickets home, which was really nice of him. I'll be up there for about a week. I'll pay him back later.

Had a little disagreement with my BF on Saturday. Every time I think about it, it just makes me sick. When we first met, he told me that his politics were financially conservative and socially liberal, but he is not socially liberal. Every day I'm realizing how conservative he really is (and sorry to all you conservatives out there), and it really horrifies me. He just sounds like such a bigot on certain issues. Other than that, he's perfect and perfect for me, but it's really hard for me to believe that I'm dating someone who has his unenlightened opinions. If he had told me how he felt about this certain issue on the first date, there would have been no second date. I even remember asking him about it, but he nimbly side-stepped the question, and I didn't even realize at the time that he didn't adequately answer it. And now, it feels too late to pull out now. I really love him and don't have the strength to break up. If I had any moral character, I would find the backbone to do it. But I really don't want to break up with him. But I really don't share the same outlook on the world, and it's hard for me to really respect his point of view. In fact, I don't. So it's hard. Right now we've agreed to just not discuss politics, but I'm really wrestling with this.

I feel like men are always tricking me! I see their true colors months or years into the relationship. I wish they would just be more upfront and honest about who they really are from the get-go.

What a Day

It's raining cats and dogs outside. That's okay, I love a rainy night!

I didn't get any sub work today, and that's a good thing because I cleaned up my room. I picked up some papers off the floor. When I picked them up, I noticed that they were very warm, and the bottom one was brown, as if it was about to burn. They had apparently fallen off the chair and were covering the extension chord, where the chord and the plug for my space heater meet. The chords were all melted and the carpet was burned/ melted where the chords were (my throw carpet, not the house's carpet!). Omigod. I totally almost burned the house down! Way to be a good house-sitter. Who knew chords were so touchy, though? I've heard space heaters are dangerous, and I can see why now. They really use a lot of juice! I'll put a picture up later, but I'm too tired right now. Just wanted to post something up. Anyway, I'm not sure if this house is trying to kill me or save me from myself.

So then I ran a few errands around town, and of course halfway through, my car wouldn't start. I was stranded out in the rain and had to buy a new $125 battery from the Triple A guy who came to my rescue. Luckily I got a $25 discount because I bought the upgraded membership. Always buy the upgraded membership! It really pays for itself. Especially if you drive a junker like I do.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving! I went over to the BF's house. His brother and his brother's family were visiting from out of town, so I got to meet them. They were all very nice. I even helped in the kitchen. I think he's slowly trying to teach me to cook so that I'll cook for him. Right now he does all the cooking, and I think that's just fine!

I am vegetarian. However, I'm going to try to take it a step further and make the move to veganism. We'll see how that goes. Ridding cheese from my diet will be a hurdle for me. But the milk, eggs and butter will be easy (except for baked goods/ desserts), as I've never much cared for them anyway. There are amazing advancements out there in terms of finding substitutions, so as long as I don't get lazy and do my research, I should be fine. I'm doing this for dietary and ethical reasons. Also, going veg really helped clear up my complexion, but I still have break-outs after I eat dairy, so I'm hoping my face will really clear up and glow if I go vegan.

Saw the Twilight sequel, "New Moon". It was great, loved it. That whole series is my guilty pleasure. I need to read the last book, but someone told me what happened in it (even after I asked them not to- booo!), so I really lost my motivation to read it now. Anyway, my sister and I made t-shirts. I messed up my iron-on letters (long story), so my shirt just says "Team Ed" instead of "Team Edward". After watching the movie, though, my sister and I thought about switching shirts. Jacob was just so hot, warm and charming. He really was good for Bella, and I started to switch alliances. And my sister didn't want to wear "Team Jacob" anymore after she found out that the actor is only 17 years old. She felt like a pedo lusting after his body and wearing that shirt! After she told me his real age, I decided to stay on Team Edward. Choosing any team and liking the movies are slightly childish, yes. But at least gunning for Edward doesn't feel so pervy!

I know making t-shirts seems a little extra, but we found the shirts at the $.99 store and we had the iron-on letters hanging around, so why not? A pic of our shirts (we look kinda blobby because we're pulling down the shirts so you can read the letters):

Swollen Lip, Crazy Kids

There's nothing a-brewing anymore, so I'm glad I didn't really say anything about that. Well, I did, but then I quickly removed my post. I thought my BF and I might break up, but we didn't and everything is happy and good. He said he would take me to the ballet soon. I can't wait! He also invited me to come with him to stay with his family out of state for Christmas, but I think he only did it out of guilt, because he forgot that he told me we would go up to Santa Barbara for Christmas, just the two of us. The idea of meeting so many new people at once for such an extended length of time (5 days) freaks me out. I'm way too shy for that. And the pressure! I would sweat bullets the whole time. I'll probably pass. I hope he doesn't take it personally.

Had a zit on the outside of my lip. Tried to pop it the night before, but woke up on Wednesday and the whole bottom, left side of my lip was completely swollen. It looked like I was stung by a bee or smacked in the face. I went to sub and all the kids stared at it. Kids don't even bother trying to be subtle about the gawking. It was embarrassing. My BF teased me and said they probably thought it was herpes or something... "Ms Lady Ma'ame had a dick in her mouth!" I assure you, that wasn't what caused my swollen lip! And no, I don't make the kids call me Ms. Lady Ma'ame, although I do like the sound of it. I just said it because I'm all anonymous and what not. Here's a photo I took. It's kinda blurry and doesn't show the full horror of it, but you get the idea:

Met some interesting kids this week. The subbing highlights:

1. One girl told me that her aunt got married to her cell mate in jail. Her aunt was released from prison and returned home to her... HUSBAND! She and the cell mate still write each other regularly. Her husband has NO idea, and the family is anxious because the cell mate gets out in two years. DRAMA! It will go down. There's totally a screenplay in this. I want to write it. Maybe I will.

2. Another 17-year old girl showed me a picture of her eight month year old daughter and her fiancee, a 28 year old man. She plans to marry him. Has been dating him for like four years now. That means he's probably been boning her since she was like 13 and he was 24. Hurl! I wanted to just shake this girl. She's crazy gorgeous and very sweet, and the guy is a total loser. And I'm not just saying he's a loser because he thought it perfectly appropriate to wear a du-rag in their professional family photo. No, but because he's a fucking pedophile. Her parents gave their consent because they think the damage is already done and he's stepped up and is taking care of his baby.

I had other things to say, but this is getting too long. I'll leave you with a photo. I took this in the parking lot of my local CVS store. I think this car belongs to the 40-something year old cashier woman. She wore two high piggy tails on either side of her head and was dressed like a fourteen year old. She popped and snapped her gum loudly. She was very sweet and friendly. A total character, as you can imagine. If you can't read the writing on the car, it says, "I Guess Ya'll [sic] Can Still Call Me a Lil Girl! Cause I Still Ride Big Wheels!" Apparently she's riding on twenty-twos...

Checking In

I met two old college friends for dinner on Friday. One of them flew in from Hong Kong, and it was the other friend's birthday (well, the day after). Then the next day we all met up for a barbeque. It was a nice reunion : )

There are things a-brewing, but I shouldn't talk about any of it yet until I know for sure...

Promised a friend I'd help him move Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday after I get off work. He's an environmentalist, and he's moving into an apartment only five blocks away from his current place. So, of course, he's decided to forego a moving truck and just walk all the boxes there... either by hand or by skateboard. I commend his conscientiousness, but just this once, I wish he'd break his rules! I'm not looking forward to walking five loooooong blocks with his crap. I might have to cheat on my share.

The Leak

My sister and I have been really tired and foggy in the brain, and she's been having a lot of headaches ever since she moved in here nearly two years ago. We thought it maybe had to do with the poor air quality in our new city, or perhaps just stress, but today we found another culprit.

Our hot water heater was "leaking", or pumping CO2 back into the house. Check out this picture:

Omigod. How did I- or anyone not notice this? The hoses are supposed to be hooked up so that the CO2 goes outside, but it's been going inside instead. I don't know how long this has been going on, but it's really scary!

Luckily, my friend came over on Saturday and smelled something. Our oven's pilot light went out the day before and leaked gas all day, so after we returned home and relit it, we had to air out the house. But she insisted she smelled it by our water heater near the back door and begged me to call a gas guy. I didn't smell anything, but I was probably used to it. The gas guy came by today and as soon as he walked to the back part of our house, his CO2 meter started going off, the numbers quickly climbing on his gadget. He quickly shut off the gas valve and told me what to do.

I think the only thing that saved us is that when we're home, we almost always leave all of our doors open (front, side and back), our rooms are on the other side of the house, we're hardly ever home, and our house is incredibly drafty. There's actually a hole in my bedroom wall with a screen over it. That pumps in fresh air. Unless this came undone on its own, it's been this way for years! Yikes. We really dodged a bullet here!

I'm just so relieved that I've found an excuse for my lethargy, because I'm a hard worker. I've never been a lazy person. But I've been so incredibly tired; it's been hard to motivate myself to do anything. I hope that my energy returns soon, now that I'm not inhaling carbon dioxide or monoxide or whatever poison. I looked it up online (nothing you don't probably already know):

Carbon dioxide is a silent killer. Did you realized that you have to take precautions, not just in the winter, but all year round? It is invisible and odorless and is the main cause of poisoning deaths in American. Carbon dioxide poisoning can be caused by faulty gas or water heaters, ranges, ovens. Also noxious gas are released from charcoal grills. Carbon dioxide inhibits the use of oxygen and if inhaled long enough, it will cause brain death and ultimately death. Symptoms of carbon dioxide poisoning are similar to flu symptoms such as headache, fatigue dizziness, nausea and confusion.

Lie to Me

Saw Precious last night at the Magic Johnson theatre on Crenshaw (aka The Hood). The experience shocked me, and not just because the story is shocking. If my eyes weren't seeing the sad tale unfold before me, I would have guessed from the audience's reaction that I was watching a comedy. Not a seat was left in the house, and throughout the movie there was loud, screaming laughter and constant yelling back at the screen. I'm actually a movie talker (to the chagrin and dismay of my family), so I would fit right in there if the movie were a comedy. But Precious is not a funny movie, and their jovial reaction felt a little inappropriate. I think maybe the movie hit a raw nerve with a lot of people, and all they could do to manage their discomfort was to turn it into a joke, to laugh.

Celebrated the BF's birthday on Tuesday. I only had $1.25 to my name (95% of my paycheck is going towards my credit card bills), so he had to come pick me up and pay for dinner, which was kind of sucky of me! But I like to think that I made it up to him. I baked a cake and gave him a present he claimed to love. I wasn't sure if he'd love it or hate it, so I was really nervous. I painted a portrait of him! I hadn't really painted since high school, and was never very good at it, but I got a gust of inspiration and gave it a shot. He loved the results and sent pictures to his friends and family. He said two people asked about my rates, and after seeing the painting, his sister told him he should marry me! Bless her heart : ) (I met her a few weeks ago. She was very nice. I don't think it was like "omigod, she's so talented, marry her", but more like, "omigod, that's intense; only a girl who really loved you would spend months painting you, marry her").

I don't mean to brag, but it's kind of exciting! When I let myself get caught up in his ego strokes, I feel like I've finally stumbled upon something that I do half-way decently... It probably sucks, but I wouldn't know that... ignorance is bliss! I hesitate to put it here because it will probably ruin the illusion that I have a tiny speck of talent. He's just probably being nice to me and building me up, because what asshole would tell his girlfriend that he hates her birthday gift and that she's a talentless hack?

Anyway, the colors are richer/ deeper than what you see here, but I had to take the picture without a flash, so it desaturated the color. Also, I ran out of time. I couldn't get the glasses quite right, but oh well... close enough:

Happy Belated Halloween!

Hope you all had a nice Halloween! Mine was laid back, but cool. I met a friend for a drink in Hollywood. She booked a small part (in a skit) on the Conan O'Brien (sp.?) show, so we were celebrating, too. Neither one of us dressed up, but luckily we went to a spot where about half the people were dressed and the other half weren't. We should have went to West Hollywood, because the gays know how to costume and they know how to party! It's always such a grand spectacle there on Halloween. But it was cool where we were. We saw a crazy costume. This guy actually transformed into a working car! A real transformer! His little wheels whizzed him right down the sidewalk and everything. I thought that was crazy! He goes down further than what you see in the second picture, but I was trying to catch him mid-transformation. My camera takes pictures slow.

What else? My BF was telling me about how his mom "tamed" his ex-wife, as well as his brother's wife. I told him that I thought he meant to say that she crushed their spirits, from what it sounds like. His brother's wife went to art school and loved to dress in bright colors and fun, edgy fashions, and his mom got on that real quick and made her over to be a soccer mom/ label whore. Ugh! I mean there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking upscale cookie cutter if that's the look you want, but if that's not what you want or who you are, then to hell with anyone who tries to change that. Now, I don't mind meeting her and being friendly, but I really hope he doesn't expect me to be best buds with that meddlesome woman. 'Cuz I know what's on her agenda! Project Spirit-Crush in full effect! But I really don't have the energy to fight with her or to be bothered by her pettiness. If it means that much to her, then my plan is to appear to be the kind of woman she would approve of (basically her mini-me) whenever we meet, and then once she's gone, go back to being me. Free bird!

At an inner-city school where I sub regularly, one of the girls leaves her backpack at school 7th period (end of the day), and swings by to get it before first period the next day. There aren't any books in it and it's not heavy or anything, so I think she must get jumped on the way home, or has someone at home who steals stuff from her or something. It's really sad. I had an idea to do an urban version of a 4-H program (where one of the skills taught would be sewing), but I should probably just focus on getting my own life together before I try to change anyone else's life. Plus, my friend who was going to do it with me flaked, and I really don't have the knowledge to spearhead something like that on my own. So, alas, I put that in my "Book of Ideas", where all my ideas go to die. But someone should do that. I mean, look at this book bag! How sad is this? If you can't tell what's going on, the bottom is stapled together:

The Bus Ride

I read something on Gawker that had me rolling on the floor the other day. But when I told my sister the story, she did not laugh and looked like she wanted to hurl. Read this excerpt of an email Salman Rushdie's new Harvard-educated and apparent free spirit girlfriend (Min Lieskovsky if you care) sent to him via Facebook:

"I don't begrudge odd-hour requests of me, either. 19, taking the Greyhound back from Nova Scotia through New Hampshire I was stretched long in my seat, feet dangling in front of me. I woke, shoes and socks off, to the warm lapping on my toes. There was a guilty smile on the man sitting ahead of me, and I sized him up sleepily, not nasty. I thought briefly of the ripeness of my feet, nasty. And I mumbled, "do them evenly, yo."

How funny is that?! "Do them evenly, yo." Omigod. I'm laughing again. I totally believe this story. The Greyhound can be intense. A friend of mine was fondled on a bus ride, but only because she was too timid to tell the man to stop. He didn't threaten her or anything, but I think she was in shock. She didn't say no, just looked the other way and hoped he would finish soon. I really couldn't believe it when she told me that. I felt so bad for her. But I digress. The two scenarios are totally different.

Good Hair/ Race rant

Warning: I'm about to go off on one of my rants... you know, the kind that makes my boyfriend's eyes glaze over, with perhaps a glint of fear:

I was listening to public radio today and a handful of black women were talking about Chris Rock's documentary, "Good Hair", a movie about black women's hair that he decided to make after his young daughter asked him why she didn't have good hair. She wanted hair like her white friend's own. Now, I watched it about a week ago and tried to suppress my anger, but the women's comments on the radio got my blood boiling all over again. They said a lot of things that I had totally thought about, too, and tried to move on and get past. But it stayed with me, so I'm writing this to shake some of it off.

It was an interesting documentary and I commend him for making it and doing a good job, but Rock's loathing of black women ('s hair) in general seemed to be simmering beneath the surface, hidden beneath the glossy veneer of comedy. But I'm perhaps being unfair. I digress. One commenter talked about how she noticed that he (or, as the producer, included subjects who) made jokes about women with "kinky" hair- complained about how he wasn't able to run his fingers through a black woman's hair if it was natural. But then in the same movie, he was subtly criticizing the women who straightened and weaved their hair, too. In his world, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. He tried to frame the movie as if he didn't really have an opinion... didn't want to be divisive, but his opinion shined right through, and it made me sad for his daughters.

I noticed this, and many other things, but I'll skip that and get to the icing on the cake for me. At the end of his movie, he said something about how if his 6 (?) year old daughter asked him again why she doesn't have "good hair", the next time he would tell her that "What was IN her head (or was it heart) was more important than what was ON her head." Or something along those lines. And of course the audience sighed and clapped and felt all warm in their hearts at that, and I was aghast, sitting there with my mouth open, my stomach churning. Angry at him, and more angry at the audience's utter stupidity. He wonders why his little girl would ask him something so heartbreaking? Well, my dear, Chris, sorry to say it, but you probably put it there..

Let me back up a second. Okay, on one hand, it's great that he's taking focus away from appearances, because little girls shouldn't be too wrapped up in being attractive... they should be taught to focus on what they can do and how smart they can be, and kind, etcetera. But of course that's really not what he's saying. Look at it this way. What is the REAL, subliminal message here:

Wife: "Does my breath smell?"

Husband: "Oh, don't worry about that. It's your smile that's important."

Message: Yes, it does, but I don't care about that. I'll hold my breath when I kiss you.

Child: "Mommy, why am I so dumb?

Mom: "Oh, being smart doesn't mean anything. It's how well you love."

Message: You're dumb as a board, but I still love you.

Child: "Daddy, why don't I have good hair?"

Dad: "Don't worry about that. It's what's in your head and not on your head that matters."

Message: Your nappy hair is ugly and inferior to your blonde friend, but I still love you.

All of these sound like nice messages, I suppose, because the responder is offering unconditional love, even though the inquisitor is purportedly lacking something, but I take offense at his answer, because I don't swallow the racist notion that black hair is indeed inferior (some of you may secretly disagree, but that's okay, because we're probably all a little bit racist in some way- this is just your way). I honestly don't see why he felt the need to skirt around the question. For that to be an acceptable message to tell a little girl means you've swallowed society's racist, jagged little pill and you are doomed to a prison of self-hatred if you are a black person. Good luck. Don't doom your little girl to that. Why not tell her the same thing Malcolm X's mixed race mother told him: "There's no such thing as good hair. If you got hair on your head, it's good." To paraphrase. Or you could hit her with the science/ history angle: "Now, 'good hair' is a phrase that only people with slave mentalities use (expand on this). Your hair is not bad because it is naturally in tight curls. People have different textures of hair because we all have differently-shaped hair follicles. And we have differently-shaped hair follicles because our ancestors lived in different climates and regions (etc.). Your hair is curly and her hair is straight, and both your hair and yourselves are beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you or your hair is not beautiful. If someone tells you you have "bad hair", you have my permission to call them an Uncle Tom or a racist Massa." And maybe you could also go off on the media and explain to her why she thinks that way, but it's actually a fallacy in her head. And maybe order some Angela Davis books for her while you're at it.

That's the kind of shit you should tell your little girl, not that crap about beauty not being important! While it's definitely true that it's not as important as what's inside, his silence was a tacit affirmation that her hair is ugly. Way to evade the question, dad. But your silence spoke for itself. I want to kidnap his little girl and re-brainwash her so that she has a chance. Because if he made that movie to make her feel better, well then, he failed miserably. DAD FAIL.

It just really gets to me, because I substitute teach in the inner-city and I hear the most horrendous things regarding hair. I see the little girls internalizing huge doses of hatred, and it makes me sad.

I don't know if I explained this right. I sometimes leave people feeling confused as to why I'm angry. For example, when I tried explaining to a friend recently why light-skinned black chicks are dumb if they try to cash in on their light-skin privilege, he just looked at me blankly, confused. And I don't say they're dumb for the usual reasons most people say it's dumb. Most people say it's dumb because it's mean, unfair, cruel and petty and reinforces racist notions of beauty. I say it's dumb because of all that, but more importantly because it shows that you LACK LOGIC. If you accept that, what is the next, logical step, woman? If you are a light black female with looser curls and you think you're better than a dark brown woman with tight curls because you've ingested racist media's white beauty standards, then what you are saying is that you adhere to a racial ladder in which a white, blonde woman is at the top, and a dark black woman with tight curly hair is at the bottom. If you place yourself above the darker woman, then by extension of your very logic, by your chosen standards of beauty, you HAVE to put yourself beneath the white woman. You have no choice, sorry. You did it to yourself. I tried to explain this to a high yella (I'm high yella so I can say this) friend once, and she was just not having it. She refused. Wanted to think she was better, but on the flip side would not accept inferiority. But if you buy into it, it's whole hog. You can't just climb up onto the second rung of the ladder and not pretend there are twenty more rungs above you, and just sit tight, happy you've got one rung beneath you! That's dumb. They have no problem putting themselves above the darker woman, but ask them to get beneath the white woman and they'll get pissed really fast. How could they not realize that? How could one not see the whole ladder? I refuse to get on the ladder (and not merely because society would place me on a lower rung anyway! If I were white, I'd like to think that I'd still refuse), but many women don't refuse, they take the ladder, or their pedestal, and be glad that they're above somebody. But just don't forget that if you're above somebody, you've just probably put yourself beneath someone else. And that's a place I refuse to be.

Fuck the ladder. Fuck good hair. Fuck bad hair. Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. Okay, that last sentence was a song lyric.

/End crazy rant.

Mama & Drama

I dropped my English class. Also dropped my pre-nursing class. Right now, the only class I'm taking is my beginning sewing class- one evening a week (no homework and it's fun). Subbing work has picked up, but I'm also trying to find a second job and put all my attention and energy into that. I really need to dig myself out of this financial hole, and then I'll worry about working on my Plan B. Besides, my English professor sucked. I felt like she was making me dumber, and that's the last thing I need. I'll take a CNA course from a private vocational school when I can afford it and have time for it.

Having boyfriend drama. Prior to this week, I'd done a good job of reining in the crazy, but I had a lapse of paranoia provoked by Facebook and we're now dealing with the aftermath. The internet brought us together and it can tear us apart. I think we'll be okay, though.

Having fun with my mom. It's too bad my (step) dad didn't fly down with her, but he has an intense fear of flying, so he rarely leaves the state. So far we've seen a few good movies, went out to a few tasty restaurants and watched my sister's track meet yesterday. I have one more fun rendezvous up my sleeve for tonight. Good times! I drop her off at the airport tomorrow and then party time is over. Back to the grind- working and finding more work!

Poker Face

Don't read this if you have a delicate constitution:

I ate too much ice cream on both Friday and Saturday. I'm not lactose intolerant, but I almost never eat ice cream, or dairy at all for that matter (milk =poison in my mind). My BF loves it, though, so I've been eating more of it (Coldstones is hard for me to turn down). Anyway, I share this mundane, trivial detail with you to explain why I had a stomachache on Saturday. Normally I wait til I get home to go #2, but I was alone in his house while he was out walking my dog (I brought her over), and my stomach was feeling queasy. I'm always terrified I'll clog someone's pipes, so I never poop at someone else's house, but I reasoned that I would only do a half-er (save the rest for home), plus he was out of the house and he had a candle and matches I could use. I even went to the trouble of flushing after dropping the kids off at the pool, and flushing a second time to dispose of the toilet paper. Separate flushes to ensure there would be more than enough room. But on the second flush, of course there was a problem. It didn't flush!

I searched high and low, the clock ticking, frantically looking for the plunger. I couldn't find it. He returned and I had to ask him where it was. He laughed and made some joke about me clogging up his pipes as he handed me the plunger. I was mortified but he thought it was hilarious. Said we were now officially boyfriend-girlfriend. I think he really thinks I dropped some real cow pies, but it really was very small. Great timing and luck, really.

My BF is hard to read sometimes. Sometimes I think he's going to propose to me in a year, and other times I think he's planning to break up with me any day now. I keep thinking that the gift I'm making for him will be a parting gift (his birthday is next month). But then a few hours later I'll decide I'm crazy, or reading too much into something. But I don't know... I really don't think about it too much, but it does pop in my head every now and then.

Saw a great movie on Friday. "An Education." Solid. I recommend it! The Brits always do those scandalous coming-of-age films the best.

Two movies I performed in last year (or was it the year before?) are getting distribution deals. I just got the financial paperwork for the second one. That only means like a $100 or $200 for me right now, since it was an ultra-low budget agreement, but the exposure will be nice!

Mom is visiting us tomorrow. She flies in and stays for the week. : )

Sweater Season!

All is well. $7 to my name, but sub work finally came in this week (Sept is usually slow), so things are starting to roll. Just pinching pennies until next month's paycheck rolls around. I registered in the hood, too, so that should bring more work as well. It's not as scary there as it was a few years ago. Most (definitely not all, though) of the kids have exchanged their gang attire for bleached mohawks and quasi-emo gear. It's so fascinating how music can transform a culture. Gangsta rap and the gangster lifestyle just aren't as glamorous as they once were, and therefore less appealing to youth. As much as people rag on Kanye West, it's amazing how much positive influence music- especially his (and artists like him)- has on kids. And if his snatching young women's VMA trophies is the price society has to pay for decreased gang violence, then so be it. But to those who got their panties in a bunch about that whole affair, I say it's all razzle dazzle. The rumor I heard is that Swift and West actually have the same manager. Coincidence? I think not. These things are almost always planned. Even the Bruno/Eminem stunt was planned (Eminem admits it). As I heard was the Justin Timberlake/ Janet Jackson stunt. But I digress...

Spent the weekend with my BF and his son. I'd met his kid before, but it was the first time we all spent the entire day together. It was nice : ) When we picked up his son from his now-remarried ex-wife (and she has a new kid to boot), she was wearing short spandex shorts and a thin tank top. She had worked out earlier that morning, but apparently always likes to wear short shorts; every time I've been over to her house she's worn noticeably short garments. They're not hoochie, but I think it's hard for people to not notice whatever she's got going on. Granted, I'm a prude, but it just rubs me the wrong way. It seems inappropriate to wear that around your ex-husband, and I wonder if she's (sub?)consciously trying to tease him. She left him, and he says it's so over and there are no residual feelings, but you always wonder. She made some comment to him about recently losing weight after cutting breads and being afraid to lose more weight in fear of turning sideways and disappearing. She's a fine, beautiful and healthy woman, and I don't like to judge other's bodies, but frankly she was in no danger of disappearing. She had her last baby two years ago and given her stomach bulge with that comment, it was at least an eye-roll inducing moment. But of course I just smiled politely. What was she trying to prove?! I think she wants him to still want her or something. That's all I can imagine, given her choice of attire and her comment.

I turned my English paper in late. I'm so mentally checked out of this class, and her syllabus is so messy. She said on the first day that all our work is due Sunday night, and that the due dates on the syllabus are merely pacing suggestions, but apparently that wasn't true for the biggest paper of the semester. It was due mid-week of last week. She wasn't very clear about it, and I had to find out the hard way. What. Ever. I don't even know why I'm still in that class. I decided last week that I'm not getting my RN at that school anymore anyway. Everything is just so janky there. Going to do the private school option next semester. Just sticking with this course because I already bought the books and I hate being a quitter! Lame reason. I know.

The weather is finally starting to chill out. I love fall weather! Most of my wardrobe is built for the fall, so I can't wait to rock the boots and sweaters.

Credit Card Hell

Okay, so I'm going to put it all out there. Credit card debt= 28K. Got a little behind on some of my payments this summer when I couldn't get temp work (studios have a hiring freeze). Subbing work usually doesn't pick up until October, so hanging in there until then. Anyway, my bank panicked when they realized I was a few months behind on my payments and offered/ threatened to write off my debts as a bad debt, since this year it's easy for them since they received Federal money to cover that. They told me they would settle with me for $10,000 if I could pay that by this December, with my first payment on Tuesday. My brothers offered up a combined total of $4,500.00. This wasn't enough for the bank, so they lowered their offer to $7,500.00, but it still doesn't look like I'll be able to make the $3,000 difference. Part of me thinks I should take up the offer, but without all my ducks in a row, that's way too big a gamble.

It's dangerous because if I'm lucky enough to land a job and make great money that will allow me to pay the 3k by December, then I'm worried they might withdraw their offer, and then there I am back with my 30K debt, and the ruined 3 year credit (due to my non-payments) that I already have if I settle with them. And yeah, I dug the hole so it's my responsibility, and completely my fault... and I have no problem facing the consequences, as any adult should. BUT I will say that the banks were very tricky throughout the ten + years I've had the loan and screwed me over at every corner and opportunity possible... I've probably only charged $10,000.00 total, but because of the snowballing interest over the years at various high interest rates... at one time as high as 30% due to some of the crappy stunts they pulled on me (one example: due date of payment falls on a Saturday... I used to work for a bank and they would post the payments on a Saturday if you came in and paid in cash... apparently, the rules changed because I tried to do that, and they wouldn't accept it. Counted it as late and slapped a $300 late fee to boot, and hiked up my interest by 10%)... so don't think I feel too bad for them! And yes, I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but I didn't, and here I am. A part of the problem! Shame!

Anyway, still plotting and planning and looking down a few avenues. After I pay this crap off (IF I ever live to see the day that is), I will never touch a credit card again. Oh. My. God. It's just been hell. I call them back on Monday. Wish me luck!

Community

I met my BF's best friend for the first time last night. He was nice, and his girlfriend was nice, but very ill-suited for him.

I told my BF about my mountain of credit card debt. He took it in stride and said it wasn't that bad. I think he thought it was a lot, but was just trying to be nice.

Pretty boring week... too sick to go into work but well enough to go to my community college classes... still shaking something off.

Oh, and I changed my mind. I don't think I like being bossy anymore. It gets old. I can barely run my life... why would I want to run somebody else's, too? In any event, I'm a mess and don't think I'm qualified to run anyone's business!

Be Popular

I finally joined Facebook. It's fun.

I had some sort of 24 hour bug. I realized something was amiss when I found myself standing in the middle of a Farmer's Market on a beautiful, warm sunny Saturday wearing a winter coat and still shivering violently... a few people saw me and steered clear, so I left promptly. Waited for my BF in the parking lot while he finished shopping. He brought back flowers for me from one of the vendors, and then took me back to his place and waited on me hand and foot. He didn't give me a little bell, though, so I just whipped out my cell phone and called him whenever I needed anything... Could you fluff my pillows? j/k. I tried not to be too demanding, and I slept for most of the time, but I did get a massage or two ; )

Anyway, feeling all better now.

I read an article this morning in the NY Times that will change my life, as it has changed my whole philosophy and perspective on friendship. Before today, my goal has been to limit my number of friends. I thought it was healthier to have a small group of friends that I spent all my time with and energy on, but now I'm going to aspire to have as many friends as possible. You might say, "Duh, everyone knows you can never have too many friends." But knowing and having experienced all the flakiness that comes with having superficial friendships, I disagreed with that theory and fought against it. But today I've turned over a new leaf. While I plan to maintain my core of tried-and-true close-knit friends for life, I'll no longer veer from superficial friendships, as long as they bring something to the table. And most everyone has something to offer.

Anyway, here's an excerpt of the article:

"The subconscious nature of emotional mirroring might explain one of the more curious findings in their research: If you want to be happy, what’s most important is to have lots of friends. Historically, we have often thought that having a small cluster of tight, long-term friends is crucial to being happy. But Christakis and Fowler found that the happiest people in Framingham were those who had the most connections, even if the relationships weren’t necessarily deep ones.

The reason these people were the happiest, the duo theorize, is that happiness doesn’t come only from having deep, heart-to-heart talks. It also comes from having daily exposure to many small moments of contagious happiness. When you frequently see other people smile — at home, in the street, at your local bar — your spirits are repeatedly affected by your mirroring of their emotional state. Of course, the danger of being highly connected to lots of people is that you’re at risk of encountering many people when they are in bad moods. But Christakis and Fowler say their findings show that the gamble of increased sociability pays off, for a surprising reason: Happiness is more contagious than unhappiness. According to their statistical analysis, each additional happy friend boosts your good cheer by 9 percent, while each additional unhappy friend drags you down by only 7 percent. So by this logic, adding more links to your network should — mathematically — add to your store of happiness. “If you’re at the center of a network, you are going to be more susceptible to anything that spreads through it,” Fowler said. “And if happiness is spreading more reliably, then on average you’re going to be catching happy waves more often than you catch sad waves.”

The whole article is here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/magazine/13contagion-t.html?pagewanted=1

I'm Bossy

I had a colonic on Saturday. I did it in solidarity with my boyfriend... I thought he should get one, but he didn't want to do it alone. He said he would do it if I went first, so I agreed to be the guinea pig. It wasn't that bad... when the water is being pumped into you (up your butt) there's just a really uncomfortable, full feeling... like if you're really sick (#2) and running to the bathroom, praying you'll make it in time. The colon therapist told me that I needed to chew my food more slowly and thoroughly (he pointed out what he saw in the tube), and that I needed to work on my liver functions (drink more water and cut down on the alcohol.. which is totally true and something I never told him). While the health benefits of colonics are controversial and often disputed, even if it did absolutely nothing for our health (or worse), the earful we got when we were there was worth the money. He gave us both a stern (yet loving) lecture about what we were doing wrong, and really inspired us to clean up our acts. Added benefit: I dropped five pounds from it.

The reason why I thought the BF should get a colonic is because his blood pressure and cholesterol are too high. As in he-should-be-on-medication high. He wants to lower it naturally, so I've been recreating his whole way of life... he's now exercising regularly and is on a proper diet. Soon he'll be doing yoga and getting regular massages and acupuncture treatments. It's funny because in the beginning, I really tried to refrain from telling him what to do. Guys hate being ordered around (so I read), so I held back my natural tendencies to run his life. But surprisingly, he's really pushed and cajoled me to give him advice and hold his feet to the fire. He actually seems to appreciate and like it. Who'd have thunk it that he wanted a bossy woman?! And here I've been biting my tongue for the last few months, trying not to scare him away. My motto was "Whatever makes you happy." But if I had known that he wanted a bossy woman, I would have let my bossy flag fly a long time ago! I really love telling people what to do, and really believe I give great advice (but who doesn't?). Already, he's dropped ten pounds and his blood pressure is down ten points, so at least I'm not an idiot and bossy... just opinionated and willing to share my thoughts.

Had a great weekend. We went to a good friend's birthday party on Friday night (a 3-hour cruise around the harbor) and out to dinner with another good friend (and four of her friends) on Saturday. We also saw an old documentary called "Who Killed the Electric Car"? If you haven't seen it, I really encourage you to do so! It's been on my to-watch list for years, and I'm so glad I finally got around to watching it!

I should start on my homework now.

Hi Hello

Just dropped the BF off at the airport (after meeting his ex-wife, which was weird. She was nice but it was awkward). He's going to NY for a week with his son. I made them matching pajama shorts when I was in Oregon, like I made for my brother and his son.

Having to re-take my courses from this past summer since I left town. Sewing class started on the 17th. I have to re-do everything exactly, so it's really boring right now.

My computer's hard-drive is dying. Luckily, it's covered under the manufacturer's warranty, so I'll just have to pay $300 for diagnostics/labor/data recovery, etc. But unfortunately, for me to get my free hard drive, I have to wait two weeks for them to mail it. So I'm without a computer for the next two or three weeks. I'm at the library now. I'm crossing my fingers that all of my data wasn't lost and they'll be able to recover it and move it to my new hard drive! I backed up all my documents, but I didn't back up all my photos, and there are no copies of most of those.

It's freaging hot. It was over 100 degrees earlier today. I was supposed to go to a housewarming party at 3 p.m., but I was sweating bullets (I know, gross... but my car's AC doesn't work) and my car's engine light was on. It had a hard time starting, so I was worried that I might get stranded, so I turned my car back around and headed home... basically, all a bunch of great excuses why I will not do anything productive or social with my Saturday. It will be a Blockbuster night! I swear I would never leave my house if I could get away with it, so don't think I'm too disappointed with these developments.

My time's almost up! And I'm sure my whining littany of complaints is wearing on your nerves! Ciao!!

BACK IN CALI

Sorry for the delay... I've been a busy woman, but moreso, a very lazy blogger.  Just arrived in Long Beach on Monday, and I had a lot to catch up on all this week.  Oregon was lots of fun, but I'm happy to be back in Cali, where I feel most at home.

Right now I'm helping two friends with their match.com accounts (one advising and revising her profile, and the other one I wrote her profile with her and will be writing or monitoring her correspondences).  I like to pretend that I'm an expert now that I just happened to get lucky (found a great guy).  It's all a numbers game, though, I suppose. One of my friends I'm helping has agreed to write guest posts about her dating adventures... going back to my blog roots! Her profile is done, but she hasn't signed up or uploaded her pictures yet, so I'm not sure when that will be, but it's around the bend.

Speaking of romance, my three month anniversary with the boyfriend (formerly known as Mr. Show Biz- feels too formal and cheesy to say now that we're an item) is coming up on Tuesday.  I have sewing class and he's pretty busy at work, so we're just going to celebrate this Friday.  If it were a one year, I'm sure we'd both rearrange our schedules, but three months is pretty small.  Notable, but small.

Last night the BF and I worked on one of my business ideas.  It's really starting to take shape, and it feels so shocking to actually move forward on something I never thought I would do.  It's exciting, but somehow it feels a little scary, too!  I don't really understand why it's scary to me. There's no financial risk and not too much work to do... it's just really happening and that blows my mind.  It's weird.  It's nice to know that he's not just a talker... he's backing up one of his promises he made to me awhile ago, and I appreciate that.

My beloved commercial agent left her agency for the East Coast.  She always had an open door policy with me, and I looked forward to returning to her this fall, but now that safety net is gone!  I could try to woo her old assistant... I think I made some money for him, too, but it's not as certain.   She and I had a special connection, and I genuinely loved her.  I feel like I'm starting over at square one!

Okay, there's a lot more going on, but I don't think anyone has the patience to read a book now.  I'll just post up little random things and pictures as I think about them.  Just wanted to  check in and say hello!  Hope everyone is enjoying their last days of summer : ) 

Checking In

All is well. My brother had his wedding this past weekend. It was a beautiful affair with no drama. Right now I'm visiting with my mom and dad (my other set of parents). Still in Oregon, but on the other side of the state. Just checking in... gotta run...

MY NEW WRITING PARTNER

My sister returned to LA on Saturday, so I tagged along to the big city to see her off. Mr. Show Biz picked her up from LAX airport, dropped her off at home and gave her our dog he's been taking care of for the past week. He's the best. He just left this morning for an out-of-town business trip. He said he's using the garment bag I made for him in sewing class.

In Portland, I stayed at my brother's house on Friday and Saturday night and two of his three kids stayed the night, too. His seven year old daughter wanted me to help her make a movie, so she and I wrote a two page script for a short film about super hero kids and then shot it on my brother's iphone in about fifteen minutes. While co-writing the script, I was really impressed with her creativity, humor, decisiveness and fearlessness. Granted, our little script was by NO means a masterpiece, but it was fun and I'd rather write with her any day than with most adults.

I told her that I'd edit our little project once I got home and put it on youtube. This excited her for about ten minutes, and then she got bored with it and pressed me about getting it on television. She wanted to know how we could get it on t.v., so I gave her a brief breakdown of the submissions-meetings process, and she listened intently, her wheels turning. Watch out for this one!

I've had semi-insomnia... trouble sleeping at night and waking up uber early, so then I end up taking really long naps during the day. Think I'm about due for today's nap...

Grandma Continued

My brother wrote a beautiful piece about our Grandma. I was going to write a piece about her for next week's post, but hadn't sat down to write it yet. He touched on the things I wanted to say (the mystery around her, her surprising youth), but wrote it much more eloquently than I ever could, so I'll just share what he wrote in his blog here. The below personal essay was accompanied by a photo of my grandma and him playing on the beach, in his original posting:

"Photographs are profound and strange little things. When I look back on my life and the events it has contained, I do so in a way inescapably intertwined with the visual records imprinted on the 3x5 papers stored in the dusty and old family albums. I cannot imagine my mother as a child existing in anything but black and white, frozen with a knowing grin that would, from time to time, surface in my interactions with her as an adult. And though my memories of being in Africa as a young child with my older brother, are far too distant to be anything other than a manufactured memory, I have in my mind the sepia-toned recollections of him and I loving life and each other on a dusty apartment complex on rue de Site’ Vert.

My grandmother died this morning. The event, we are told, took place in her sleep. Though this manner of exit is perhaps most merciful, I get the distinct impression that she would not have liked it. Though quick with jokes, she could be a difficult and cantankerous woman, and as such I cannot think that she would have liked going softly into the night without one last rage against the light’s dying.

I did not really know her until lately. Sure, she was around me growing up, but I knew her as a small child knows a grandparent. Only lately, when recent visits had given her the comfort that I was progressed enough in life to be treated as something more an equal did I learn the circumstances of her life and, by extension, the true contours of her character. In some long conversations over Yahtzee, she told me of her youthful days and her move to Los Angeles, where she had planned to be an actress. She lived off Melrose, and worked hard to improve her singing, performing around the city while waiting for her big break. Her photos from those days, cracked, brown and only slightly resembling the woman I knew, show a young beautiful woman seeming on the verge of something.

Then, she met a tall thin man some two decades her senior, with a fiancée to boot. A major studio had recently given her a screen test, and with Homer, my grandfather, soon to leave town on his railroad job, she faced a decision: stay for the screen test, and perhaps be in the movies, or join him on the next train north to Oregon. My existence is evidence of the choice she made. My grandfather died while I was still quite young, and the only real fact that I truly remember about him is that he liked to eat oatmeal and watch Good Morning America. He was simple, in the best sense of the phrase. Excavated photos of their life together always show him with an easy country smile, always thin, always tall; her, with more active and squinted eyes, clearly the more intellectual nimble of the two, with a sharp tongue to match.

These stories surprised me, and for some time afterward I had a hard time reconciling the young beautiful actress living alone in the big city with the old woman who went to church daily and bought me over-sized Hanes underwear for birthdays and Christmases. But, I suppose such is life: none of us are really ever all one thing or all the other. We are amalgams and chameleons. Though my grandmother told me about that sassy 19-year-old would-be starlet, I could never really know her. She was gone, left behind on a train platform in Glendale, California, exchanged for a life with Homer, three daughters, nine grandchildren, seven great-children and innumerable schnauzer dogs, replaced one after another when they died, and all named Sweetie.

One picture of my grandmother stands out in my mind. My mother took it on a vacation to the Oregon coast some 25 years ago. While watching my brother play, grandma stands, arms crossed, looking out. I don’t know why that picture strikes me. It certainly doesn’t fit with my recollections of her appearance –her hair is quite short. I think it is because, in some sense, she always had her arms crossed. Inscrutable and often evasive about the facts of her life, she preferred not to be known. She resisted divulging where she was or what she was doing before she turned up in Los Angeles, and inquiries into my family’s ethnic past reveal only that she thinks she has some Indian blood. I also wonder if, looking out as she did into the dark waters, she plays out alternate scenarios in her head about her choice to leave Los Angeles. Of course, counterfactuals yield their mysteries even more grudgingly than Helen herself, and she could never know.

Now, whatever thoughts or dreams she had are gone with her, and I, and we, are left with just the memories and mysteries. We will bury her, and a man with a Bible will speak with too much certainty about the places she now is, and the processes she is now undergoing under the protection of celestial beings. That immortality may or may not exist; who am I to know the contours of the shore on the other side of the dark waters? But, she lingers on in photos, and in the bits of her that are in my blood and matter. In time, the photos will fade, the people who are in them will also disappear, and her blood will diffuse. But for now, I will remember a cold summer day on an ocean beach not far from where I now sit, playing in the water with my grandmother, Helen.

Resquiescat in Pace "

Written by LB Woman's Brother. Slightly revised to retain my anonymity ; )

RIP GRANDMA

Sorry for the delay. The last week has been very hectic. My grandma passed away last week, and so I decided to fly home to Oregon to attend the funeral. Because my classes are during the summer session, that means one class is worth like three, so I had to drop my sewing and nursing classes in order to attend. I'll take them again this fall. I'll be out of town for awhile, so I had a lot of loose ends to tie up before Sunday.

Friday. Went out with my boyfriend (Mr. Show Biz). He took me out to a really nice restaurant (XIV) for my birthday. At XIV, you choose whether you want 8 courses, 11 courses or 13 courses, and you pay per person. There are about 30 items on the menu, and we chose the eight course option, so we picked eight items (including dessert, soup, salad, appetizers and entrees), each dish better than the last. They really cater to vegetarians, too. The main menu is meat-beased, but they gave me a separate, nearly identical vegetarian menu. So whatever meat dish he ordered, I got the vegetarian equivalent of that. It was delicious and a very fun experience, somewhat similar to Sushi Nobu.

Saturday. Packing. Also went to a show with my friend, R. It was a small, community theatre performance, so those are always a gamble, but it was hilarious and we both really enjoyed ourselves. We definitely want to go back and check out some of their other shows. We went out to eat at a local Irish pub/ restaurant right before the musical, and that was really good, too. I had some sort of Frangelico-Bailey's drink that was to die for, and a "Ploughman's Sandwich."

Sunday. Packed. MSB picked me and my sister up to take us to the airport. He brought his son along, so I met his son and he met my sister. Everyone got along. He brought me a birthday gift, since that day was my actual birthday. He took my dog and is dog-sitting her until my sister returns this weekend. I won't return until August, however. My brother is getting married at the end of the month, and I can't afford to fly up here twice, so I'll just stay here in OR until after the wedding. I miss him, though! We email and talk everyday, so that helps a lot.

Anyway, my old friend I've known since Junior High picked me and my sister up from the airport, and we all went out for drinks. I called another old friend up, and she met us at the bar. And then once my brother got off work, he and my other brother and cousin joined us there. I ended up having the best time. It sucks that I had to cancel my birthday dinner in LA, but my impromptu birthday party was really great, and I felt like we were laughing the whole time. It was really nice to see everyone again and be around family and friends I've known so long that they're like family, too. It really was nice : )

Monday. Funeral. Saw a ton of cousins and aunts and great aunts and uncles and great uncles, some of whom I haven't seen in like 20 years! It was a sad event, and I'll miss my Grandma, but we had a really great family reunion. My dad said some very touching things about her. He's a great speaker and communicates from the heart... I told my friend yesterday that he's the kind of guy you want speaking at your funeral! And it's true. I'm really glad I came back to pay my last respects and see old loved ones. Family first and all that jazz.

In better news, I got an email today from a professional sound editor who is going to work on cleaning up the sound in my digital movie... for free. I can't say enough how incredibly uplifting this is for me. His kindness is saving me THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. Thousands of dollars I don't have, and probably won't have for a few years, so it will enable me to wrap this up a lot faster!

See, last spring, I thought I wrapped the movie, and looked for an audio guy. Noone was willing to do it for free. I felt like I was hitting a brick wall, and I wasn't happy with my project, so I went back to the drawing board and re-shot some of the scenes. We just finished re-editing everything, and so I sent it to this sound guy that was referred to me by one of my actors I randomly bumped into at a Starbucks a few months back. The sound guy watched the movie twice, and just today told me he'd love to help out. I really can't believe it. It's something I looked for for months- technically years, but no dice. I think before the revisions the project wasn't ready.

In the making of this project, time and time again, it seems like when things really are where they should be, then my path moves forward. But when things aren't ready, and there's a roadblock, it seems to be there for a reason. I wasn't ready, or the project wasn't ready. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking this and attributing magical movement of the universe to simple, dumb, plain old luck... it finally broke. But in any event, it's great news, and a huge step in moving forward and hopefully soon, wrapping this sucker up!

SUSHI-BON VOYAGE-REUNION WEEKEND

What a long week it's been!

Had my nursing test on Thursday.  I got my book Monday afternoon, and covered 1/3 of it in three days... that meant doing hundreds of tedious math problems and tons of reading/ memorizing (plus some online homework and a 2 page paper) to accomplish by Thursday.  In a normal school year, this would have been accomplished in four weeks, but because it's summer session and everything is condensed, and because I got my book a week later than my classmates, I had to work tirelessly to get 'er done in a few days.  I did the homework, accomplished the memorization and feel good about the test (although we'll see this week how I really did... my brain was totally fried, so who knows!).

On Friday night had my usual date with Mr. Show Biz.  He took me to a nice sushi joint (Nobu).  I think the final bill was around $300.00, which I think is crazy expensive for two people.  But so worth it (too easy to say when it's not my cash)!  This is how it works:  the waiter comes and you tell him what foods/ ingredients you like, what you can't eat and how much you want to spend per person.  The waiter relays that to the chef, and then the chef makes personalized dishes for you... around 4 or 5 courses, depending on how much you've chosen to dole out... it was really freaging good!  I would have been happy going anywhere with him, because I just love being around him so much, but it was a really nice splurge to go somewhere like that!

Saturday night I went to a going-away party for my old roommate.  She's moving back to Washington.  Another one bites the dust.  I'm not surprised, though.  Most of my friends usually move away after a few years.  LA is a very transient town.  Over the years, I've tried to hone in on and befriend lifers... people I think will remain in LA for life (I never saw her as one, but she was fun, so whatever).  I'm hopefully a lifer... I love it here!  The machine here is a beast, and if you take LA too seriously, it can chip away at your soul, but if you just take a "whatever" attitude to the ridiculousness of it all, it can be really fun!  Anyway, she had a circus theme, so we all had to dress up circus-y.  She had a blow-up jumping castle and fried Oreos, fried pickles and fried mushrooms and everything.  Fun party, but I left after about 2 hours... very tired.

Sunday an old college friend of mine was in town, so she (very generously) picked me up and we went out for Thai food and caught up on one another's lives.  Then we checked out Michael Jackson's star on Hollywood Blvd. (in front of Mann's Chinese Theatre).  There was a huge crowd.  We bought cheap $5 MJ t-shirts, too.  Fun day!

Have a great week!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Just got back from Santa Barbara with Mr. Show Biz.  We left early Friday morning and drove up to Neverland Ranch (Michael Jackson's house, obvs).  There was a steady crowd of people coming to pay their respects to the King of Pop.  We took our picture in front of the gate that says "Neverland Ranch" and has two huge wreaths of white roses on it.  Then we wrote messages on a large canvas wall that was left for visitors.  It was a nice community of people... of course a few major weirdos were there, but for the most part, it was a really cool, nice crowd of fans.  If you want to make some serious dough, it's a great place to sell MJ t-shirts and paraphernalia.  They were really selling like hot cakes (people were selling them out of trunks), even though they were charging like $15 per t-shirt.

After lunch we drove to Santa Barbara, where MSB had hotel reservations.  The hotel was bee-yooo-tiful.   All the details were amazing, and it was very lavish.  We walked to the beach and checked out the little shops.  The weather was beautiful and everything was perfect.  Even the homeless people up there are spiffier... most of them are very clean and have their shirts tucked in and their shoes shined and everything... if they weren't carrying their lives with them, I'm not sure I'd know they were homeless!  It was pretty amazing.  They probably get a lot of tourist guilt money ; )  Anyway, there was no traffic there or back.  I thought it would take at least 3 hours, but we made it back in an hour and a half!

We have so many things in common, it's crazy.  Like little things... like when I unplug my curling iron, I say "Curling Iron Off" out loud so that I remember I unplugged it.  He does the same thing when he closes his garage door- "Garage Door Closed"... it's so funny!  We have a lot of things like that.  

Oh, and his casual shoes rocked this time.  I'm happy I didn't have to resort to hiding his ugly puffy sneakers that he wore on our last date ; )  But I'm sure they'll come out again one of these days!  But yeah, he was rockin' some fresh Nikes, so I was very happy : )

Anyway, my little brother is in town, so I'll hopefully spend the rest of the weekend with him.  And on Monday, I have to begin and finish reading the first eleven chapters and studying for a nursing test on Thursday.   I'm getting my book late (on Monday) because the book store was closed on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday... hope I can get it all done before Thursday.  Wish me luck ; )

Happy 4th!!

Date #6

Had date numero six with Mr. Show Biz last night.  Unsurprisingly, it went great.  It was interesting, though, because I think we're starting to see one another's flaws.  His politics are a little too far to the right for my taste (and vice versa- I think he thinks I'm a bleeding heart liberal, which I suppose I am).  At least he's socially liberal, though- very live and let live- so I can live with that. If he wasn't, I don't think this would work.  Also- and I realize how petty this sounds- but I hated his shoes last night!  We both decided to go a little more casual last night, and I really liked the outfit he wore, but the shoes were circa mid-nineties, and I never even liked them when they were in style, and now, well, they just need to go.  I'm not going to say anything to him about them, of course, because I don't believe in fixing men or dressing them up like Ken dolls.  If he's happy wearing them, then I'm happy- I just try to not look down.  I often date men with horrible taste in footwear.  His work shoes are great, but these- ugh.  I think he disliked a lot of dresses I've worn, so it all balances out in the end.  If this is the worst complaint we have about one another, I think we'll be in good shape.

Anyway, we saw "Away We Go" with Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski (sp.?).  It was so cute.  I really liked it.  It had so many layers and levels, and it was just a simple, heartfelt, funny piece.  I recommend it!  Then we went to a Spanish tapas restaurant.  Luckily he'd made reservations because there was a long line of people waiting for a table (I love a man who runs a tight ship!).  It was delicious, and once again I ate and drank way too much.  Oh, gluttony, I love it!  Friday nights don't count in diet land ; )  ... not that I'm dieting, but you know what I mean.

I began taking prerequisites for nursing school on Thursday.  I have my Bachelor's degree, but I never took microbiology, anatomy, and a few other courses in school.  So I've decided to start chipping away at my pre-reqs, slowly but surely.  This summer I'm taking "Calculating Drugs and Solutions."  We had a test the first day, and I was one of only a few people who aced it (as a sub, I should!).  It was actually kind of fun!  I like being in school and interacting with different people and learning.  I wish I could just be a professional student, and that was my job.  I want to be a lifelong learner and just take classes part-time forever.

Happy Father's Day!

So, it's been about a week, and I should probably say something... I'll tie up some loose strings.

                 

I never heard back from Gallagher or Daddy Warbucks.  I hate to say it, but good riddance to them both.  While I did really like them, and was attracted to the latter, I think that the first one really was gay and hadn't admitted that to himself yet, so that match was hopeless.   As for the latter, the communication style of Daddy Warbucks is so vastly different from mine that it really would have become an issue.  I am a planner.  I need another planner, otherwise I feel taken for granted, neglected and very unhappy.  I hate being late, and I hate waiting for people who are chronically late (which Warbucks was- over 30 minutes late both times, but I didn't mention it because he drove from so far away, so I tried to be understanding).  And I really can't stand it when people make plans and then forget they made them, or flake and try to play me second fiddle.  Maybe I reacted too strongly to his family plans, but the first weekend he asked me out, he asked me out once, forgot, and then asked me again.  He was shocked when I told him we already had plans.  While I appreciate that he did go way out of his way to drive me around and pick me up, drop me off, etcetera, it really bothered me how low a priority he gave our plans... he couldn't even remember them!  Both times!

Sadly, I probably would have put up with his ish, though (because he's such a tall, cool drink of water) if I weren't so enamored by Mr. Show Biz...

Biz sent me a third bouquet of flowers this weekend, to tell me that he missed me (he traveled out of town to see his dad for Father's Day).  They're the prettiest of the bunch yet.   This arrangement has these beautiful deep pink flowers that match the pink tips of the white roses... just gorgeous.

Anyway, we've been talking on the phone every day, and he's all I talk about with my sister.  She's really getting sick of hearing about him, as I'm sure you are, too!  Speaking of, I think I need to find a new blog topic while I'm dating him because this is going to turn into a really boring gush-fest.  Okay, you get the point... I like him.  He likes me.  He's cool.  I don't know if he's "the one," but I do feel optimistic about our potential.

So, in future posts, I think I'll focus on other things...