However, I'm administering state tests this week to my classrooms, so I have to make sure that the room is absolutely quiet. Miraculously, I've been able to do it, but it takes me screaming and yelling all day to do it. I was sending students out left and right and being generally mean and ugly about things. It took everything out of me. It really brings me down to have to change my personality like that... to become so ugly and angry. I really hate it.
And then... I try to go to Bikram yoga on Tuesdays, too. I was really exhausted after screaming all day, but I forced myself to go. It was especially intense yesterday, beyond the usual 105 degrees, 1.5 hours of sweating. The camel posture made me want to throw up; it's so tough.
After all that, and the day was finished, I came back home and was about ready to pass out. But Mr. Show Biz called. I couldn't get my act together to talk to him. I was acting really weird, sluggish, tired and out of it. Just really weird! I felt really disconnected, like I wasn't even there. I just kept saying, "That's nice" in this unenthusiastic voice, although I really tried to muster a modicum of energy... and I don't know what else. Miraculously, he confirmed our date on Friday, but he's probably really doubting me now. Strike One for LB Woman... actually that might have been my strike two! Strike 1 was dissing him after the religion difference thing.
I sent him an apology email this morning, so I don't think it will be a big deal. It's not like I was being a biotch or anything. Just a little weird and crazy. I guess it's better that he sees that now. I AM a Cancer through and through, and we are notoriously moody. When I get tired, I get in a really low mood. Last night, I played this depressing song over and over and over again (like 50 times). My sister gets worried about me when I do stuff like that, but it's actually really cathartic and makes me feel better.
Well, I suppose it's better he sees me a little crazy now than be surprised later. This won't be my last "low mood", I'll tell you that!
Don't worry, Cat, I know exactly how you feel. It took me a while to develop my schtick so that everyone had a good day but still learned. And I hated being a strict monster, too. Even if they behaved all day I ended up in a bad mood with a bad headache. I know you don't feel like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, but I bet you're on the higher end of the sub scale.I really don’t think most subs even concern themselves with how good they are so that fact that you care already puts you heads and shoulders above the rest.
ReplyDeleteRest well!
ReplyDeleteOoohooooh chiiiiiiild, things are gonna get easiereeeeeeeer. Oooohoooooh child, things will get briiiiiiiiighter.
ReplyDeleteAbout the song repetition, just be careful, sometimes "catharsis" can very well give way to dwelling, and perpetuate your low mood.
I doubt Mr. Show Biz had a problem with one slightly lackluster conversation. So what!?! Everyone has low energy/low mood days. Anyone who expects you to be happy and energetic at all times, is in serious la-la land and probably has issues to address.
Granted, no one is fiendin' to kick it with the Eeyore's of the world, but some low mood days scattered here and there are to be expected.
Don't even sweat it, LBW. You're entitled to have a bad day, and like Booga said, anyone who expects you to be on cloud nine 24/7 is delusional and probably abuses prescription pills. I doubt that Mr. Show Biz is the type who would bolt at the first sign of a bad mood, and on the off chance that he is that type, do you really want to be with him? On your date you could explain what a rough day you had. That might open the conversation a little more and you could share some of your subbing experiences with him, which are really entertaining to hear about.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I would be a monster of a sub teacher, too. Kids are shits and at this point in my life I don't have the patience to watch their teenage psychodrama unfold before my eyes. Think of it this way: at least you care enough to be a monster. The easist thing would be to tune them out and let them do whatever they damn well please, which, if memory serves me correctly, is what a lot of subs do. You're just doing your job.
Rita: I'm definitely not in Dangerous Minds league here! Thanks for the kind words, but I've been doing this for years, so I definitely have my schtick down... I'm just not that great, try as I might, and am okay with it. I still give my best, but it's simply not enough. I do recognize that in this case, the three previous subs were scared off by the kids, so they are pretty wild! The last one left in the middle of the day, tears streaming down her face, IN AN AMBULANCE (they intentionally induced an asthma attack because they didn't like her).
ReplyDeleteBooga: Thanks for the tip. I'm really okay, though. Sometimes dwelling for a few hours or an evening is the best way to get over your low mood faster... get it all out of your system and then wake up fresh!
And you're absolutely right. He wrote back and said that almost verbatim, about not expecting me to be high energy all the time.
Thanks, Anonymous! I'm trying to catch up on my sleep... probably tonight, hopefully...
Kara: You're absolutely right. He was very whatever about the whole thing. I think sometimes I over-think things. Agreed- kids ARE shits. They want me to go to their graduation, and it would be nice for about 1/4 of them, but otherwise... the rest... hell no and good riddance!