DEJA NO MORE

Went on a second and last date with Bachelor #5, Deja New (same first name as my ex).  Well, it was something else.  Let’s just say he pinched my crotch, but I’ll get to that…

I really regret planning an event in Hollywood.  I suggested we go to Melrose Avenue, an LA hot spot.  I wanted to go there because I wanted to see “The Groundlings”, a place where a lot of Saturday Night Live people got their training.  But that was a bad call on my part.  I really should go to out-of-the-way places until I’ve really vetted my dates more thoroughly.  But he didn’t act this way on the first one.  Maybe there were subtle hints of bad behavior before, but nothing too bad… nothing like this!  I honestly think that he smoked pot before our first date, but before our second date he did coke or speed or something.  Big energy change.

It was embarrassing.  He’s way into PDA.  I’m not at all, especially when I don’t know someone very well, but I usually go along with it so that I won’t seem uptight (I know, shame on me!).  Actually, a quick kiss here or there is nice and can definitely be romantic.  But anything more is excessive.  I don’t like to see people making out in public, so I try to extend the same courtesy.

So he kept kissing me at the restaurant and on the streets and at the bar, and inside the show, too.  There were about 20 skits and he insisted on kissing me between every single one (when the lights went to black).  When I tried to pull away or say no, he would get really loud and say, “What’s wrong?  What are you doing?  What’s the problem?”  And everyone would turn and look.  Once he did that when the performers were back on stage, and they had to pause for a moment, waiting for him to quiet down before they could start.  I had to put my hand over his mouth to muffle his protests.  It just got easier to kiss him to shut him up.  I’m serious, we were really attracting stares and giggles.  I just wanted to die.  I tried to ignore it or work around it, but he would just lean over further, put his face right in front of mine, pucker up and keep his lips stuck out there until I obliged.  Sighing heavily with impatience and boredom didn’t help- believe me, I tried.  I know, I know, I really should have just said no more firmly, or punched him right in the kisser.… but the whole night was a little overwhelming and shocking, and I’d been drinking so things seemed slightly more tolerable.  That, and I needed the ride home (no taxi money, buses had stopped running on Melrose, my house is 1.5 hours away by car, so imagine the walk).

Oddly, he kept calling me “Girl” like he was my black gay hairstylist.  A few other dates have done similar things.  I think they don’t know how to talk to me, so slip into whatever they know of black vernacular… some variation of a 1990’s “Yo!  Mtv Raps” show meets RuPaul theme.  And he said, “Girl, I’m so crazy about my dark girl.  My dark kissing friend.”  As in me.  It was so cheesy and corny and fetishist of him.

Honestly, we actually did have physical chemistry between us, despite my whole being humiliated to be seen kissing with him thing.  But we had NOTHING to say to each other.  Crickets chirping.  I think that’s why he was trying to fill up the silence with his flurry of kisses. 

And this doesn’t matter, but he hardly laughed at the Groundlings show I suggested/ we went to, which is crazy to me.  I thought he would like it because he’s all Mr. Party Guy, loves to laugh… he laughs so loud and long at every lame thing that comes out of his mouth.  He turns every statement he says into some sort of punch line.  But it’s never even funny.  He just wants to laugh and be known as an affable, laugh-y guy.  But it’s really exhausting for me, forcing all that laughter.  I don’t mind guys who aren’t funny, but I do mind bores who think they’re hilarious and elbow you in the ribs and repeat what they say (a little louder each time) until you force a fake chuckle.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this date, but I’ll spare you all the gory details.  I will say that he kept trying to get me to go into the bathroom with him (he went pee like 5 times throughout the night, which seemed really excessive.  I think he was doing coke in the bathroom… needed a “bump” or whatever).  He said, “Can I go in the bathroom with you, girl?"  I said, “No.”  He said, “Well, girl, wanna come in the bathroom with me?”  I said, “No.”  So he GRABBED/ TWEAKED MY CROTCH (checking to see if I had a package, I suppose), and said “Nope.  Guess you can’t come with me.  You are a girl.  Girl, you are a girl!”  Then he forced a laugh, and gripped my arm until I forced a laugh with him, of course.  And the usher/ Groundlings student was watching all this and looked at me with a ‘WTF is this?’ look.  I wanted to die.  I had planned to train at this place, which is why I love going to their shows, and now they’ve all seen me, and probably think I’m some sort of pro.

He kept telling me how much he liked me and that he hadn’t dated anyone in a long time and he really wanted us to work out, so if he ever did anything that I didn’t like, that I should just communicate it to him.  I see his point, and considered doing that during our evening together, because he seemed lonely and needy… I really felt kind of bad for him.  But, ultimately, it would have been a litany of things, and who wants to harp on someone else like that?  Also, I think that there are just some things you shouldn’t have to train people to do or not do.  Crotch-grabbing in public is one of them.  It’s not my job to teach those kinds of things, so I’m going to pass.  We’re done.  It’s over.  IF he calls back, I’ll break it off with him. 

And then there were FOUR. 

* * *

And then there were five...?

BACHELOR #10

NAME:  DADDY WARBUCKS

OCCUPATION:  WRITER (but there were pictures on his profile of him talking on a news show.  He may be some sort of political correspondent or opinion-giver; I forget what the latter is called!)

POLITICS:  MIDDLE OF THE ROAD

ETHNICITY:  WHITE

AGE:  48 but looks 34

RED-FLAGS:  Says his politics are "middle of the road", which I'm realizing is often code for Republican but likes black girls and doesn't want to scare us away.  Claims in his profile that he wants one kid, but pretty much told me it wasn't a big deal either way.  I'm a little skeptical of that.  But at the same time, if he had really wanted one, at his age, he probably would have had it by now.  Didn't display his sign!! : (    Is religious, but doesn't really believe in hell and all the doctrine.  I get the feeling he's been very spoiled by women, so he'll be very hard to tame.

BONUSES:  Made me laugh.  Comes at me hard (come hard or don't come at all!).  Tall (6 ft.).  Very attractive.  Sexy, sexy man alert!  Very smart.  MBA and law degree.

So, the guy I mentioned yesterday… the one who made a joke saying he wanted to adopt me… well as Rob (commenter) pointed out, I forgot to name him.  I think I didn’t name him because I wasn’t sure he would pan out, but it’s looking promising, so let’s call him DADDY WARBUCKS (because of his joke about adopting me, obvs).  I think I’m either going to love him or hate him, because his humor is bold with a slight touch of “that’s so wrong”… Eventually, he’ll probably cross that line in a really offensive way, and then I won’t like him anymore.  Easy to do.  But right now I really like him and am excited about him.  His stats are above, duh.

The Sushi roll guy wrote back (I broke it off via e-mail).  He really doesn't want us to break up and asked that I please reconsider.  I don't think I can, but I will agree to be friends.  I really hope he doesn't want to hang out too much, though.  The purpose of breaking up is to make room for the guys you really want!  I really don't have the time and energy to mother and coddle him through his quarter-life crisis.  But I probably will because I'm a sucker and feel bad for him.

Going on a lunch-and-outing date with Night Man today.  Mixed feelings about it.